Deciding to get a divorce after 17 years of marriage was not an easy decision for me to make. But it was the best path for me. And I’ve never looked back.
Divorce is rarely easy, and rarely an easy decision. The first steps of the journey are often the hardest. Especially when there are children in the picture.
It is a part of life for many. Despite the hardships and heartache often involved, it can be a blessing, a chance to start over, another chance to find happiness. A chance to live a better life. And a chance to set a better example for your children.
This is the first of a number of posts where I talk about my personal journey through divorce, rediscovering myself, overcoming my fears and insecurities, becoming a better father, figuring out my life, figuring out how to date, and more.
Buckle up.
I “started” young
After high school, I went to college for a year and then transferred to art school so I could do something more creative with my life. It was there that I met her. My ex-wife. I was dating her close friend at the time. That was a little messy (insert “awkward smile emoji”), but we made it.
Love found a way. As it often does.
Skipping ahead… We got married when I was the ripe old age of 20. I became a father at 21. It was not a planned pregnancy, but it happened, as pregnancies sometimes do.
We went with the flow and got married and became parents. Six and a half years later, we decided to have another child. We were young, but happy and in love, with our whole lives ahead of us.
Barely adults ourselves, we weren’t emotionally equipped to handle marriage or parenthood. But we did our best, and made the best of it.
I finished school, became a translator, and then got a job in California where we moved to build a happy family and home, and raised two amazing children. Now one is nearly done with college, and one has just a few years left in high school.
Waking up from sleepwalking
Our marriage came to an end six years ago, after 17 years of marriage.
I had woken up to the fact that I was unhappy and had been unhappy for many years. I had good relationships with people at work, and could talk and laugh and have fun. But at home, I couldn’t remember the last time we talked. I couldn’t remember feeling “happy” about anything besides normal parent/kid stuff, and even all of that felt “off.”
It felt like I was sleepwalking through life, seeing and feeling things through a dense fog. I was “numb” and unhappy for what felt like close to 10 years.
Trapped in a life I felt I had no control over, like sitting on a train looking out the window at the scenery and no way to get off. Like there was more out there, but it was off limits to me.
I was fulfilling my duty and obligation to take care of my family, suppressing my own needs and happiness in the process.
“Is this what life is supposed to be about?”
Once I realized how unhappy I was, and had been for so long, I couldn’t go back and pretend that everything was fine. The toothpaste was out of the proverbial tube.
I started talking to a therapist and got some tools to speak to my wife and try to work on fixing things. We talked about the kind of relationship we wanted and how we could work together to rebuild it.
But the harder we tried, the more clear it became that our relationship was too far gone to be able to go back to the way it had once been.
Getting lost somewhere along the way
Coming out of my sleepwalking state and looking back on where we went wrong, I realized we had drifted apart over the years as we grew into different people (who isn’t different at 40yo versus their 20yo self?).
We hadn’t done a good job of maintaining our own individual identities. We were merely co-parents and roommates. We barely talked, even about the kids.
I had lost myself in the marriage, in the role of father and husband. I didn’t know who I was anymore beyond those roles.
I was empty.
We hadn’t nourished our husband-wife romantic connection like we should have over the many years. Date night? What’s that?
I also hadn’t done a good job of building and fostering adult friendships outside of the workplace (and the occasional business trip, the only time I spent “quality” time with my friends and coworkers). Weekends and weeknights were for being at home with the family, without exception. I didn’t know, or didn’t want to be selfish, and not be home.
One journey ended, another began
“Good marriages don’t end.“
A close friend told me that phrase when I confided in her I was feeling unhappy, and that I was scared about moving towards getting a divorce. She opened up to me and told me she went through a similar experience of divorce and having to come to terms. Her support gave me the strength I needed to pull me through and help me see the other side of the pain, shame, and guilt.
That phrase helped me through the hard parts of my journey, when I was doubting my decision, or when the shame and guilt of what seemed like “abandoning my wife” felt overwhelming, or when I was worried about how it would affect my kids.
I was 37 years old when I moved out and filed for divorce.
Starting over, with some help
After 17 years, I lost the “husband” half of my identity. I’m still a proud father of course.
But without the “husband” part, who the hell was I?
I had no f***ing idea.
I had to embark on a journey to rediscover who I am and who I want to be. Decide what my life purpose was going to be. Figure out what kind of life I want to lead.
I also wanted to make sure I was managing the divorce and the transition in a “healthy” way, and that I was doing the best I could to be there for my kids and my ex-wife. So I started seeing a therapist to have someone to talk to about everything and be an emotional sounding board.
She was my guide in the first four months as I processed all of the emotions of the divorce, my new life, and the sometimes difficult co-parenting dynamic. I even went back several times later over the years to get some help when going through some intense divorce ups and downs, and some breakups later on.
(Read more about how I reconnected with myself and started to figure out who I was after having been lost for so long here.)
“Please make your way to the emotional baggage claim”
I put a lot of shame and guilt on myself for ending my marriage. I felt like I let everyone down. Working with my therapist helped me sort through those feelings.
I had started working out and dressing better a few years prior, in part because those were things I could control. I could control my external appearance, even though subconsciously I didn’t even realize that on the inside I had very little self-worth.
After I started to rebuild my identity and my life for myself after, I came to the realization that I had other deep-seated self-esteem and self-worth issues to deal with. Just like I had no idea I had been so unhappy for so many years, I had no idea that I also struggled with these kinds of issues as well.
I was bullied in middle school and my freshman year of high school. This trauma left subconscious emotional scars that lasted decades. I used to hate how I look, hated looking in the mirror or having my picture taken.
I also carried a lot of shame over the years for becoming a father and a husband at such a young age.
I wasn’t self-aware enough to know how bad it was or how much power all of that held over me. I felt like there was something missing, something more but out of my reach. “This is what my life is, and always will be.”
Back then if you had asked me “do you like yourself?” there probably weren’t very many days when I could’ve answered “yes” honestly.
(Read more about how I rebuilt my self-esteem, identified my limiting beliefs, and took major steps to change my life for the better here.)
Making peace with the past
We cannot change our past. The more we hold on to the past, onto regrets and grudges or even “the good ole days,” the less room we have in our hearts to be mindful and in the present.
We must accept the past. Own our past, own our decisions, own our scars. Learn from our mistakes but also forgive ourselves and let ourselves off the hook.
I have no regrets in life. I wouldn’t change a thing. The first steps of divorce journey were not easy, but I’m much happier, fuller, and alive now. And I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t gone through everything leading up to today.
