When you feel invisible, unworthy and undeserving, and like life is happening to you, the world isn’t your oyster. It’s the oyster platter on its way to the table next to you.
The first step to building your self-esteem and rewriting your path is waking up, not accepting your “fate,” and deciding you want to change your life.
Self-esteem doesn’t magically appear overnight. It has to be built brick by brick, experience by experience.
You can Google “how to build self-esteem” and come up with great articles like this. But doing that kind of daily work is an uphill battle if you’re fighting against deeper-seated issues of self-esteem and self-worth like I was (and completely unbeknownst to me at the time).
This is the story of how I destroyed my limiting beliefs and rebuilt my self-esteem, and in turn took control of my life. One part of my personal journey about my insecurities, my fears, my failures, and my growth.
We’re programmed from birth
Our experiences shape how we perceive events, interpret the words and actions of others. We all have biases and assumptions and beliefs about how the world works, the meaning of life, and about ourselves.
To adapt and survive, or even just to make sense of the confusing world we are born into, as we grow from babies into adolescence and adulthood we unconsciously form coping mechanisms, views, and rules for how the world works. They literally form neural pathways in our brain, programming us how to interpret what we see, and how to respond in each situation. This is tied to our Instincts, gut reactions, tendencies, traits, and more.
This programming also determines our self-esteem: how we see our place in the world, our value, and what we’re capable of and allow ourselves to achieve. It holds an unseen power over us our entire lives, unless we actively work to re-write it by creating new neural pathways to change, deep down, who we believe we are and what our value is.
Feeling like the “Invisible Man”
I hated the way I looked and hated having my picture taken (even at 38 years old) because of how ugly I felt.
After starting to go gray in my late 20s, I hated and felt self-conscious about my gray hair (but it’s growing on me now… Pun definitely intended).
I thought women hated the way I look. I felt invisible, during my marriage and after my divorce.
Don’t laugh but…for many, many years I didn’t even think I was cool enough to wear sunglasses in public.
And so I saw every experience through that lens of being ugly and not good enough.
My mind filtered out, wouldn’t let me process, any experience or evidence that could possibly contradict my beliefs. Like my blue tinted sunglasses filtering out UV rays.
“DoEs n0t C0mPuTe”
Any time I would get a compliment from anyone, male or female, my mind would be like “dOeS n0t C0mPuTe.”
I “knew” I wasn’t attractive, I would never be good with women, and didn’t think I deserved or could go after them. Because that’s what my programming, and self-esteem, told me was true.
I didn’t remember the time during freshman year of college that I took a cute blonde from Poli-Sci 101 to a music festival, after having a crush on her all quarter (face unseen – I just liked her style and her pixie haircut) and asking her out on the spot the first time I talked to her. And I conveniently blocked from my memory the fact that I had a cute FWB back in art school.
Even during my seventeen-year marriage to my beautiful (ex-)wife, I would sometimes joke about having brainwashed her into falling for me. Because self-esteem.
There were times when women would flirt with me, but I had no idea. I was completely and utterly oblivious. Because, well…why would anyone flirt with me?! They were just being nice, right? Even my friends couldn’t convince me otherwise.
My self-esteem blocked those signals from coming in like a Heisman trophy winner. “Nope! Nothing to see here!”
My “limiting beliefs” were killing my self-esteem and self-confidence
Post-divorce, after I made my debut on the online dating scene, I would sometimes match with beautiful women on apps and be shocked and puzzled as to why they would possibly swipe right on me. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. They must’ve swiped right on me by mistake. Either that, or they’re a catfish trollbot…
Despite all of these experiences and more, I only saw my failures, which in my mind just confirmed my ugliness and low value.
And while I wasn’t unsuccessful at dating post-divorce per se (and I was pretty good at flirting over text), and I was able to have some successful relationships, my narrative kept my confidence low and kept me from flirting, showing my interest, or making moves in person during dates very often. Let alone approach women in public.
I practically needed a written invitation.
Okay so it wasn’t quite as bad as, “Wait, why is she kissing me? Is she trying to get something off my lips?” But it was embarrassingly close…on multiple occasions.
As a guy, “not showing interest” means it’s hard to create a spark. And that, my friends, is a “Go straight to the friend zone, do not pass Go, do not collect $200” Monopoly card.
Life in the passenger seat
All of my insecurities also spilled over into feeling inadequate and unworthy at work and other parts of my life. I worked hard and was glad for the opportunities and advancements I got. But I still felt like I was just lucky to be in the passenger seat, and not worthy of being behind the wheel and going where I wanted.
I felt like I was chosen, and didn’t have much power to do the choosing or to go after what or who I wanted in life.
I felt like I didn’t deserve it. As stupid as it sounds, I felt like I wasn’t the kind of guy that was “allowed” to do all that stuff.
If anything good happened, it must have happened by accident, or they were just really into me.
I made a decision to change my life trajectory
A little over a year ago, I decided that I wanted more out of life. I wanted to be better equipped to make better connections and achieve more in life, in love, my career, and otherwise.
I came across an amazing dating and life coach, and decided to take my future into my own hands by working with him.
You could say he was like my Yoda, my wise Jedi mentor teaching me the ways of the Force. He basically told me, “Brian, you must unlearn what you have learned.” Albeit in his own smoky voice, not a Yoda impression.
He taught me that the key to success is true authenticity. Not just “being yourself.” But destroying the limiting beliefs that are holding us back from letting our authentic self shine through and preventing us from going after what we want.
“Named must be your fear before banish it you can.” -Yoda
This was my limiting belief: I didn’t think I was young enough, cool or attractive enough, non-gray-haired (is that a word?) enough, or worthy enough to flirt, to make moves, go for the kiss, or get the girl. I didn’t want to be “that creepy guy” that made women uncomfortable by coming on too strong or making unwanted advances. Not even that. I thought “why would they want me to do that?” And on top of that, deep down I was ashamed of my attractions and desires,.
I had to face my feelings, my insecurities, look at my internal narrative and limiting beliefs that were distorting how I saw myself and my worth.
My coach helped me identify this limiting belief, smash it to pieces, and come up with a new narrative.
A better one supported by evidence that I had previously disregarded as exceptions rather than the rule. A few of which are listed above.
A narrative that had been true all along, but that I had been blind to my whole life.
Once I did this, of course my self-esteem didn’t magically appear overnight. But it was the first step I took towards rebuilding my self-esteem. And the rest, as they say, is history.
No more “invisible man.”
I started to see the world through my new lenses.
It was freeing.
Empowering.
Literally life-changing.
It gave me permission to be more confident and comfortable in my own skin. To not hold back.
As they say, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” SO SHOOT YOUR SHOT!
Let’s just say, many shots were shooted. Err shot. I still missed a lot of shots, but still way more went in than ever before (because I was scared to take shots before). Okay that horse is dead… More on that story in a later post, though.
Did any part of my experience or journey resonate with what you’re feeling or facing? How can I help you get where you want to go?
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It’s as if you were who I am.