Lost & Found – How I Rediscovered Myself After My Divorce

What do you do when your whole world is turned upside-down and you have to figure out who the hell you are and what you’re doing with your life? 

I love myself and who I am today. Some days more than others, of course. I’m only human after all. But I’ve come a long way, through marriage and fatherhood and divorce. I’ve had my own share of struggles. And I wouldn’t be where I am today without having lived the life I’ve lived. This is how I rediscovered and reconnected with myself after my divorce.

I’m still a work in progress (we all are), but I am complete and I am whole.

Reconnecting with myself

As I worked to rebuild my life and get back on my feet, I reconnected with some things I loved to do before but hadn’t done much of over the years. I also discovered new joys and new happiness.

I learned that whether we’re in a relationship or not, we have to maintain and nurture that connection to (relationship with) ourselves, our DNA, the things that make us feel alive and bring us joy. 

We don’t have to give up what makes us who we are just because we get in a relationship or have parenting or work responsibilities. We just have to prioritize taking care of ourselves and feeding our souls and our passions.

Otherwise, what the hell are we living for? Are we living to work, or working to live?

Beyond my own inner work, I also started connecting with my kids on a deeper level. Even though I didn’t get to see them every day, we texted and connected on Instagram and Snapchat. The time we did get to spend together was more connected and meaningful. I was able to be more present and engaged. I was becoming a better father.

Discovering my style

Around 2014 (a year before my divorce) I decided to “be a little selfish” and start buying clothes for myself. By this I mean actually going to the mall and going shopping for stuff I liked and that fit well, rather than picking up things at Target while I happened to be there for shampoo and a birthday card.

I found that dressing better was a way for me to express myself and build my own identity. I could have style and personality and say something, even if I was shy and didn’t yet have much confidence in my actual personality. 

In other words, I was learning to be my own Tan France, giving myself a makeover, minus the British accent. And it feels good to catch compliments, and glances. 

As he once said, “Making an effort with your wardrobe doesn’t mean you’re a wuss. Making an effort means you’re serious about the life you want.” And I was starting to get serious about the life I wanted for myself.

“Hisashiburi~!”

Fun fact: I’m fluent in Japanese, and used to be a translator. My ex-wife is Japanese. And I lived in Japan for a year in the early 2000s.

When I got a new job at the end of 2007, I moved into a different kind of role than translation, and didn’t need to use my Japanese for work anymore (mostly). I was working more hours. I was tired and got lazy about speaking Japanese at home. 

Over the years, I also stopped reading Japanese books, stopped watching Japanese movies and variety shows and dramas, and stopped listening to the Japanese bands I had loved for many years.

Speaking Japanese and being partially immersed in the culture had been a huge part of my life for all of my 20s. But I let that fade. I forgot about that part of me that I had been so passionate about and had brought me so much joy. 

Then around 2014 I was put in charge of managing the content coming out of my company’s Japanese studios. Suddenly my day to day work revolved around working with the Japan team, often in Japanese. I even got to visit our studios in Tokyo a number of times for meetings and take some time for myself while I was there to sightsee and just take in everything.

It was reenergizing to reconnect with this part of my life I had neglected for so long. I started reading Japanese books again. And eventually Netflix started featuring Japanese shows like Terrace House. Spotify has even started featuring more of my favorite Japanese bands, so now I can relive my youth with some of my favorites like Supercar, Quruli, Number Girl, and Sheena Ringo!

*”Hisashiburi” = “long time, no see”

How Brian got his groove back

I used to go to see bands and DJs live when I was younger. It was one of my favorite things to do. But then I went on parenting autopilot and put myself last (what’s a babysitter?). Other people got to do fun stuff for themselves, but not me. Subconsciously, I felt that would have been selfish of me.

So one of the main things I started doing again, for myself, was going to concerts again. If there was a band or artist I liked coming through town, I got tickets and went, with a friend or a date or alone if I had to. Small venues, big stadiums and a few festivals here and there. Sometimes two or three shows in a single month. 

Music blaring, bass pounding my chest. Dancing (or moshing) with the crowd. Feeling the music, the lyrics, the emotions. It made me feel alive. 

How Brian got his other groove back

My top Love Languages are quality time, physical touch, and chocolate chip cookies. I’m a very sensual, sexual, physical person, but I lost that part of myself over the many years of drifting apart in my marriage.

When I started dating again (although I didn’t really “date” before I got married, aside from girls in my HS or college classes), I was figuring out things as I went along. I had a ton of first dates, and a lot of trial and error getting my “sea legs” back. I dated some women, had some girlfriends, even had an open relationship and was involved in a polyamorous relationship.

There was intimacy and sex involved at times of course. It took me some time to be okay and comfortable, but it was liberating to be able to connect and express myself in that way again.

Through all of this, I learned some things that surprised me at the time (as a dating newbie coming out of a 17-year marriage), including… 

• Women like and want sex, they just aren’t usually as forward or open about it as men. Who knew? I didn’t. At the time.
• Some women found me attractive, and some even wanted to sleep with me (which was shocking to me).
• Sexual (in)compatibility is a thing, and it’s okay (it’s not shallow) to want a partner that has a similar sex drive. (I find this to be a critical part of what I need out of a relationship, for connection and my own needs.)
• Dating doesn’t have to always be “searching for a LTR.” It’s okay to pursue whatever you’re looking for, as long as honest and open about it. Sometimes we need different things out of dating than just looking for the next LTR because of where we’re at in life.
• It’s okay to have needs and desires and express those in a relationship, whether emotional, physical, quality time, communication, etc.

Self-care FTW

I also started rock climbing, did a few Spartan races, dabbled in yoga and later on started going to yoga class every week (including movement, breath-work, meditation, and mindfulness). I had started lifting weights a few years prior, but it felt really good to reconnect with my body in multiple ways. 

It feels good to challenge myself. Breathe. Sweat. Climb. Fall. Get up again. Like being eight years old and fearless on the playground. 

This newfound connection to my body, and being more comfortable and confident in my own skin, helped me be more comfortable and open in the bedroom as well.

I reconnected with friends and made new ones at work. Had lunch with friends at work instead of spending every lunch at the campus gym. Prioritized hanging out more on the weekends. 

I started cooking and learning more and more dishes, learned to bake, read more books, did some volunteering, and went hiking and to the beach on the weekends to get some fresh air.

All things that fed my soul and gave me energy from having more purpose in life than just going to work and earning a living to support my family. 

Basically, I prioritized doing things that made me happy and recharged my batteries. I did a whole lot of self-care before I even knew what self-care was.

Dunn, but still a work in progress

Healing, growth, and LIFE is a process. It’s about the journey, not about the destination.

I learned a lot – through dating women, dating myself, working with a therapist, reading, learning, absorbing, and just living life and listening to what my soul needs. 

And honestly, even though I have come a long way from where I once was, I am still a work-in-progress. I think we all are works in progress. Perfectly imperfect. Because we’re all human. 

And I’ve been able to become a better father for my kids because I can set a better example for them as I live a truer and more honest and authentic life for myself. 

Whether we like it or not, we become our parents in many ways, and our kids become us. I want my kids to grow into happy, stable, well-rounded adults who can set boundaries, have healthy relationships, and advocate for their own needs. So the best thing I can do for them is to model what that looks like through my own words, actions, and attitudes.

And I’m here to share my journey, my learnings, my insights with you. And hopefully you can get something out of this too.

Did any part of my story resonate with what you’ve gone through or are dealing with? How can I help you get where you want to go?