“If it seems too good to be true…”
Dating can be hard. But there are no special tricks, secret phrases, or magic pills for talking to girls. A sketchy program or e-book on “the three words to become a ladies man and get HER to chase YOU…into bed…FOREVERRRR” is not going to give you real results or make it easier to talk to women. Genuine confidence and real lasting success can only come from within, from being authentic and being the real you.
*Note that the writing here uses gendered terms to generalize the experiences and expectations that many men face, but these tips can be applied to any gender, identity, orientation, or romantic situation.
Masculinity and “a man’s worth”
Right or wrong, in our society much of men’s value and worth is tied to success in dating and “getting the girl.” And this starts from puberty and our formative teen years. The “manly” masculine guys are usually the ones with girlfriends, or that seem to get a lot of dates or sex.
When guys are single and struggle with how to talk to girls or get dates, it can chip away at or in some cases destroy our self-esteem.
But how to talk to girls isn’t something that they teach in school, and the birds and the bees talks we get from our fathers doesn’t usually include lessons on how the birds are supposed to communicate with the bees.
Guys are just supposed to “know” instinctively how to talk to girls, how to do the “mating dance” like some fancy bird with fancy plumage.
And if we can’t, or if we face a lot of rejection, we feel like there’s something wrong with us. Which, for some, can lead to self-esteem and self-worth issues, depression, or in extreme cases, it can take a toxic turn into entitlement, misogyny, and violence.
Supply and demand
This is such a widespread problem for so many guys that there’s a whole industry for guys that don’t know “how to talk to girls.” There’s even a shady snake oil industry (including the often-sleazy PUA community) built around being “alpha,” tricking women into chasing you, going on a date with you, or going home with you.
The magic “lines” or game you’re supposed to spit aren’t “you.” It’s just an act. A canned script.
It’s pretending to be “alpha” with fake confidence that reeks like too much cheap cologne.
The truth is there’s no phrase or technique that’s going to magically teach you how to talk to girls, or get you a date with the girl of your dreams.
Even if you manage to land a date or two, that’s based on a line or quick boost of fake self-confidence. It’s hard to keep up the facade because you’re just acting and hiding your true self. Once you run out of “lines” and the fake persona wears off, then what?
It’s just like Steve Carell in the movie “Crazy, Stupid, Love” the first time he approaches a woman and tries to act like Ryan Gosling’s smooth playboy character. “Cringe-worthy” and “train wreck” are two very apt descriptions of this scene. Well, that is until he turns it around by being honest and vulnerable.
The hidden danger of getting caught up in the “game”
When you approach dating from a point of view of it being a game and looking for tricks to “win” and overcome the competition, it can also have the toxic effect of dehumanizing women, turning them into an adversary to conquer, notches to collect. Remember that women are people too.
This is not a healthy way to view women, love, or relationships. And it can harm and stunt your own emotional capacity and maturity in the process.
In this article, former PUA coach Nick Notas talks about some of his surreal experiences in the community, why he thinks it’s “really…fucking…weird,” and why he no longer teaches PUA.
Even Neil Strauss, author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, the book widely credited for popularizing “pickup artists” and concepts like “negging” (backhanded compliments designed to try to make women feel insecure and try to win the guy’s approval), was shunned from that community when he fell in love with his girlfriend. In their eyes, he had “lost” the game.
Relying on “secret tricks” can actually hurt you
Listen, I get it. Magic pills and quick-fix solutions seem great. We want instant gratification, without having to do much work. Whether it’s getting the girl, getting abs, or getting rich. Who wouldn’t?
If your pick-up line or magic three word phrase doesn’t work, then it’s not “you” that got rejected. It’s the “move.” That layer of protection feels safe. But the real you has to come out from behind the “secret dating trick” smokescreen at some point. So if you’re not authentic from the very beginning, you’re just faking your way into a cycle of short term successes.
If you don’t love yourself and see yourself as worthy (and therefore feel like you need to “trick” someone into going out with you), then why should anyone else see your worth?
That’s why these tricks and “dating secrets” for talking to girls miss the mark. They skip the “working on yourself” and the “be authentic” parts, and instead teach you ”moves” and feigned, temporary self-confidence. They fail to deal with your own internal narrative and build your own self-esteem. They don’t teach you how to banter and flirt or have a good conversation. Those are the things that are really holding you back from dating success.
That’s where your energy and effort should be going.
The real “secret” to talking to women is…
The simple truth is that the REAL keys to talking to women are simple…
- Confidence and knowing yourself
- Being a decent human being and treating the other person like a real person
- Being authentic, vulnerable, and sincere
- Having fun and having a positive attitude
To quote a female friend of mine…
“A healthy and positive relationship with oneself + authenticity = magnetic and sexy AF”
These are the real “secrets” of dating success, whatever your dating goals may be.
If you can make a woman feel comfortable in your company, make her laugh, and start to earn her trust, you’re off to a great start. Not to mention…you’ll be WAY ahead of most other guys out there.
That’s not to say that being the real, authentic you is going to “work” 100% of the time. Sometimes the connection will happen, sometimes it won’t. Not everyone is going to be a match. No matter how cute you think they are or how great you think you would be together, sometimes it just isn’t a match. And that’s okay!
So go out there. Be you. Be real. Be fun, and have fun!
If you have questions about this topic or are interested in working with me, head on over and send me a note!
