The Relationship Inventory – What It Is, And Why You Should Write One

Here’s a simple way to start to give yourself closure after a breakup, or even process the decision of whether to stay or exit a relationship. And in the process, learn more about your own relationship style and patterns.

Relationships are hard. They take work. Sometimes deciding whether it’s worth staying can feel like the toughest decision of your life. After a relationship is over, giving yourself closure to move on can be a heart-wrenching  process, even if you were the one that chose to end things. That’s where taking an inventory of your relationship can help you see things more clearly and objectively, accept that things aren’t or weren’t working, and give yourself enough closure to start to let go. It’s also a fantastic way to shine a spotlight on any underlying issues that might have existed, and maybe even uncover some hidden (and potentially uncomfortable) truths. Truths about yourself, your relationship style and patterns, or more.

Taking an inventory of my relationship with myself

A few years ago following the end of my first serious long-term relationship (post-divorce), I was going through the healing process and had the “great idea” that maybe we could try again. 

I thought I had done “enough” work on myself and felt like I was in a better place than when we ended (I was very wrong). I knew I was missing her like crazy, and I was going through withdrawals. So I wanted to take a look back and put my thoughts on paper to see if I really wanted to get back together with her and really was ready to try again, or if I was looking at the relationship (and my level of readiness) through rose-colored glasses because I was just feeling lonely.

So I came up with some questions that I could answer for myself, as honestly as possible, to dissect what I was feeling and see if I really was ready and able to try to get back together. I put it together as a “relationship inventory,” like a post-relationship analysis.

In hindsight, I guess this was my own free-flow form of journaling.

I just started typing, asking myself questions and tried to be as honest as I could. I had never “journaled” before per se, but maybe I inadvertently just proved to myself that journaling works…

Dissecting my own relationship patterns

I came up with these questions in order to help give myself an objective look at the relationship, remind myself why it ended, and to help me be objective and stop looking back with rose-colored glasses:

1. Why we broke up / why I needed to end the relationship
2. My own issues I was dealing with and working on
3. What was working
4. What I liked and appreciated about her as a person and a partner
5. What wasn’t working and what the issues were

Some of the questions I couldn’t fully answer right away. I had to learn to understand my own needs and emotions better before I was able to understand and be able to articulate some of the incompatibilities that had made me feel things were merely “off” during the relationship.

A year later I was finally able to expand on “things felt off for a long time” (and get a little more closure in the process), and finally understood what those needs were that weren’t being met.

The process was really helpful for me to be brutally honest with myself in order to:

• …identify issues with the relationship that weren’t working for me or us, some of which I wasn’t fully cognizant of or willing to admit while we were together, or even able to put my finger on until months later
• …take accountability for how I was showing up (or not) in the relationship, and where I had room for improvement for being a better partner
• …shine a light on my own issues and insecurities I needed to work on that had contributed to the relationship not working, and that I would need to work on in order to have more successful relationships in the future

And the process also allowed me to:

• …find compassion for myself and forgive myself for my insecurities, issues, and mistakes I had made in the relationship
• …discover some of my own relationship needs and deal-breakers for future relationships, and give me the courage to allow myself to “ask” for those needs to be met, and move on if I was in a situation where my needs couldn’t be met
• …be thankful for my ex-girlfriend and the time and memories we had together, and accept that the relationship was over, had ended for good reasons, and wasn’t the right relationship for me (AKA give myself closure)

Now it’s your turn

Whether you are in a relationship, having doubts about your future potential and wondering if it’s the right relationship for you or if you should move on, or whether you want to look back at a past relationship/s to look for any patterns that might exist, this process can be a good way to take an objective look and take some of the emotion out of a very emotional process. 

If you’re like me, you may even discover certain things about yourself that you want/need to start working on as well. 

Here are some starter templates you can use to do some soul searching of your own. 

Relationship Inventory – Mid-Relationship Temperature Check

If you’re in a relationship right now, this can even be a starting point for having a discussion with your partner if there are things you need to work on together, or for you to help decide if your relationship is working for you (although you may not want to show them the actual worksheet if there are things that may hurt their feelings). 

1. What do I like/love about my partner? What are my partner’s strengths and positive traits?
2. How happy and satisfied have I been these last few weeks or months with the current state of the relationship, on a scale of 1-10?
3. What do I like about my relationship with my partner? What things are going well?
4. What would it take to raise my “satisfaction” score? What areas feel lacking, or do I wish could be different or better? What needs do I have that aren’t currently being met? 
5. What kind of relationship do I want to have, compared to where we are right now?
6. What issues or hiccups have we had before, and what progress have we made towards fixing them?
7. Are there any internal issues or insecurities that either of us deal with or are working through that could be holding the relationship back?
8. How can I contribute to building an ideal relationship from my end? How can my partner contribute? How can we work together?
9. Are there any major incompatibilities between us, or areas that probably can’t be fixed? 

Relationship Inventory – Post-Breakup Processing and Closure

This one can be a little more tricky because it requires reflecting on the past. If you are in the midst of grieving or recovering from the breakup, before you dive in to the process you’ll need to decide whether doing this is going to make you feel better and give you some closure, or open up some wounds and take you backwards in your healing process.

The first step towards letting go, moving on, and giving yourself closure is acceptance. Accepting the past. Accepting the present. Accepting the truth. And Accepting your own role in all of it.

You also need to be able to be objective in your analysis. If this is to be helpful at all, and if you are to get closure and help identify what you need to work on within yourself, you have to be completely honest. Even if it hurts. 

If you can’t be honest with yourself, you’ll never be able to be honest with a partner.

There can be no blame games. Be as compassionate and forgiving of your partner, and yourself, as you possibly can.

You may also need to revisit this at a later date after taking a first pass. Sometimes some of the answers aren’t immediately clear. Sometimes we need to do some work on ourselves, or work with a therapist, or be in a different or healthier relationship, to get the clarity needed to look back and identify some of the things that weren’t working for us in the past.

1. What did I like/love about my partner? What were my partner’s strengths and positive traits?
2. What was good about the relationship? What was working and special?
3. How happy and satisfied was I with the relationship before it ended, on a scale of 1-10?
4. Had the score gone up/down over time? If so, why?
5. Why did we break up? What were all the contributing factors, big and small?
6. What were my partner’s issues and insecurities that contributed to the relationship ending?
7. What were my own issues and insecurities that contributed to the relationship ending?
8. What am I thankful for about the relationship?
9. What have I learned about myself from all of this? How did this relationship change me?
10. What did I learn from the relationship? What learnings and skills can I take into my future relationships?

Have you ever journaled or done a similar relationship inventory exercise? Did you find it helpful? What are other questions you have used to help uncover some of your relationship truths, or helped you get closure? Let me know in the comments below.