MYTH BUSTING: “To Love Someone Else, First You Must Love Yourself”

Pop psychology and #inspo has taken off in recent years, but is it always right? And helpful? Or is there a potential risk to some of it?

We’ve seen it and heard it a million times. “You can’t love someone else unless you truly love yourself first.” Or some form of that. It sounds nice, right? But is it actually true? And what does it really mean? 

Of course this quote means well, and encourages people to love themself. The pop psychology self-help bandwagon can be a double-edged sword, because sometimes it can miss the mark and inadvertently send the wrong message.

Nowadays anyone with a social media account can dole out life advice, whether it’s true and helpful or not. And the saying has seemingly become the default go-to mantra to tell anyone who isn’t currently in a relationship.

Who decided there has to be a gatekeeper? 

If you’re someone like me, who for years, decades, maybe your entire life, has struggled with their self-image, self-esteem, self-worth, shame, then “first you must love yourself” is not a very helpful, empowering message. And there are people who struggle with other issues such as anxiety or depression that make loving oneself practically impossible sometimes.

Where it trips up, and potentially does damage, is by putting a condition, a gate, on who is allowed to love and when.

It’s basically saying, “You cannot / should not / are not allowed to / do not deserve to love someone unless you already completely love yourself 100% first, 100% of the time.” 

That’s like saying…only certain people should be allowed to wear bikinis or take their shirt off at the beach. 

Or…you have to be able to bench your own bodyweight before you can go to the gym. 

Or…you can’t have sex with someone else unless you love your own body completely and unconditionally. YIKES!! I’ve got love handles that I’m not crazy about, so where would that leave me (and my libido)?!

We love our family, and our friends too. Not to mention our pets. Are we supposed to shut them out of our lives and put up an “under constructions” sign until we’re 100% perfect? 

Besides… Who else other than narcissists truly loves themselves 24/7/365? Most of us have good days and bad.

We all deserve love 

We all deserve the chance to love, and to be loved. To be in a loving relationship with someone that sees us, recognizes us, and loves us despite our flaws and our shortcomings. We’re all imperfect. That makes us human. Our flaws, our imperfections, are what make the human experience such a beautiful one. And the chance to love someone else the same way.

We’re all at different stages in our journeys, and there’s no need to shame people who haven’t yet reached their self-awareness and self-love nirvana, telling them they aren’t “allowed” to find or search for love. 

Of course we should all strive to love ourselves more. It’s just that relationships shouldn’t be our only, or primary, source of validation and feelings of worthiness. Putting the expectation and pressure on a partner to make us happy, to fix our problems, and make our life complete is not a healthy mindset with which to enter a relationship.

That’s what this well-meaning pseudo-psychology phrase is trying to get at.

To love yourself, first you must know what it means to love yourself

Jerry Maguire ruined romance and romantic ideals for a generation.

We are not incomplete. We do not need someone else to “complete us.” We are not powerless. We are not helpless. No one is responsible for our lives and our happiness but ourselves.

In her book Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, author and “Heart Hacker” Amy Chan describes it perfectly: 

Loving yourself is taking responsibility for your emotions and accepting that it’s your job to feel all the things you’ve wanted to outsource to a partner. This means you are your own source of fulfillment, peace, safety, validation, and stability. And if you feel like you’re lacking in these areas, loving yourself means doing the work to get there too. 

We should love ourselves like we love a family member, friend, or partner. We see them, love and support them, show up for them and show them kindness and compassion, even / especially when they make mistakes or reveal their imperfections.

We would never speak to someone we love the way we’re critical to ourselves in our own heads. We should strive to treat ourselves as kindly as we treat those around us. 

So I propose the following. Instead of saying “To love someone else, first you must love yourself,” say this instead… 

The more you know how to love yourself, the easier it will be to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone else

As the French novelist and playwright Honore de Balzac some 200 years ago, “Nothing is a greater impediment to being on good terms with others than being ill at ease with yourself.”

Touché, Honoré!

It’s a journey, not a destination

Just like you don’t go to the gym once and then say, “I’m strong and healthy now” and then never workout again, loving yourself is not a destination. It’s a journey. A practice. Something you do on a consistent basis. 

Sometimes you may stumble, but that doesn’t stop you from doing the work. 

Here are some tried and tested ways to be kinder to yourself, practice self-love, and work towards building your self-esteem.

1. Stop comparing yourself to others
2. Be more forgiving of your own mistakes and imperfections
3. Recognize and celebrate your past successes, achievements, and personal journey
4. Invest in your own physical health
5. Take pride in yourself and your appearance, and dress like you want to feel
6. Practice self-care, put yourself first, and do what makes you happy (whatever form it takes)
7. Protect your own mental and emotional health
8. Work on self-awareness of your own emotions
9. Set boundaries and prioritize your own needs; stop people-pleasing
10. Get professional help with the bigger issues, stumbling blocks, and repeating patterns
11. Attack your limiting beliefs and rewrite your internal narrative
12. Just keep at it

For more information on these, check out this deeper dive.

In the meantime, don’t give up on love

Don’t give up on learning to love yourself, and don’t give up on finding someone to love. If you are working on yourself, and self-aware enough to know where you’re at in your journey, then there’s no reason you can’t search for what you’re looking for. 

As long as you’re actively working on yourself and headed in a good direction, relationships and connections can be a big part of a positive feedback loop. 

The fantastic thing is that sometimes it’s through other people’s eyes that we see and learn to accept those things about ourselves that make us amazing and worthy of love. Even if we have a hard time seeing those things ourselves. 

Sometimes it’s a parent or a child or a close friend that brings out the best in us, and sometimes it takes a romantic partner to show us how good a person we are, or how good a romantic partner we can be, too. 

Loving others, whether it’s friends, family, or romantic partners, can also show us an example of how to be more loving and forgiving and caring towards ourselves.

Know thyself

Of course it can sometimes be more challenging to work on yourself at the same time as being in a relationship and dealing with relationship challenges. 

If you don’t like yourself (let alone “love”), or if you have deeper unresolved issues or trauma, those kinds of underlying issues may cause you to struggle in relationships. The key is being self-aware and being able to recognize internal versus external factors, and being able to address those in a healthy way.

Don’t use dating or being in a relationship as a crutch, or distraction, a way to be “too busy” or preoccupied to be doing inner work on yourself.

Don’t date because you’re lonely or scared to be alone, or don’t know how to be alone. That right there is the sign that you need to take a break and be single on purpose for a while.

Date yourself.

Get in a relationship with yourself.

If you approach dating in a healthy way, when you know you are ready and capable, you can find someone that can hopefully support your healing and growth. Especially if you are open and honest with them about your own insecurities, issues, struggles, and/or inner work, and allow them to share theirs as well. 

What are your thoughts on this? What are some other well-meaning pop psychology sayings or concepts you’ve seen that you think might be missing the mark? Let me know in the comments below.