Follow these key tips and techniques for men to learn how to last longer in bed, and have more satisfying sexual experiences with your partner.
For most men, sexual prowess and performance, and success with women or romantic partners in general, are all deeply and intrinsically linked with our egos, self-esteem, and our view of our masculinity. So it’s no surprise that one of the most common questions men ask about sex is how to last longer in bed (premature ejaculation, or just wanting to have more stamina). I think this is part of a bigger question and issue of sexual satisfaction and how to satisfy your partner–because “lasting longer” is important, but it’s just the tip–no pun intended–of the iceberg.
*The writing here can be applied to all relationships regardless of the genders and sexual orientations of those involved. I may use heteronormative frames and examples here, but this advice can apply to any male-identifying and penis-owning person. Anyone can learn how to be a better lover.
First of all, how long is “normal”?
With the abundance and accessibility of porn nowadays, it’s easy to get a skewed impression of sex, including the idea that to be “good at sex” means being able to pound away for 20-30 minutes, hours on end, or even “all night.”
Let’s set the record straight: that’s far from the norm.
A study of 500 couples that had been together for at least 6 months, covering 5 countries, showed that the median length of time penetrative intercourse lasted was 5.4 minutes.
Another study looked at preferences for how long sex should last, and showed that 1-2 minutes is “too short,” 3-7 minutes is “adequate,” 7-13 minutes is “desirable,” and 13-30 minutes is “too long.”
Quality over quantity: what really matters in bed
What is more important than a longer length of time the penetration lasts is the quality of the sex. Being able to last for an hour doesn’t mean much if the sex is bad.
So what makes sex “good”?
Think of these two scenarios:
- “We had sex for an hour last night. Did I come? No, but it was fun I guess.”
- “Last night was amazing. We did all sorts of stuff, and he made me come 5 times. It was so fucking hot.”
In terms of “quality sex,” it comes down to satisfaction and pleasure (and orgasms). Just like it’s not about penis size as much as it is the motion of the ocean, sexual satisfaction isn’t always about how long the sex lasts.
The Orgasm Gap
When it comes to sexual satisfaction, imagine as a man…not being able to orgasm. How satisfied would you be with your sex life if you never or rarely got to orgasm during sex?
Only about 25% of women are able to orgasm from penetrative sex on a consistent basis (based on 33 studies over the past 80 years). That’s irrespective of penis size and length of the sex session.
When most men orgasm most or all of the time from penetrative sex, compared to only 25% of women, you have what is called the orgasm gap.
What does this mean for you?
If you are worried about lasting longer in bed, it’s important to remember that sex is about more than just penetration.
More orgasms usually means a more fun, pleasurable experience.
You have hands, fingers, and a mouth with lips and a tongue. Learn how to use them, and ask for directions if needed.
Learn about the female anatomy, including the clitoris and G-spot, and the female orgasm.
Don’t be afraid of sex toys, either. They can be an amazing for partnered sex and add a lot of variety, not to mention stimulation.
Get your head in the game, and focus on pleasure and play
Similar to performance anxiety issues some men have with getting and maintaining erections, worrying about not coming too quickly can affect your performance as well.
Sex should be fun, not a performance that induces anxiety and stress for you.
Here are important things to focus on in the bedroom instead:
- Your pleasure, and your partner’s pleasure
- Exploring your bodies and exploring your limits
- Getting in sync with your partner
- Most importantly…having fun
Foreplay
To last longer in bed, DO more in bed. Sex is more than just penetration and jackhammering until you come.
Foreplay is kissing, touching, nibbling, licking, teasing, dirty-talking, taking your time, building anticipation, building desire, and getting warmed up. It can lead to better, more satisfying sex because both parties are more turned on, aroused, and ready to go.
Foreplay can easily add 5 minutes, or 30 minutes or more, to the length of your sex session.
Tip tease
There’s no need to rush right into a “full sprint.”
Instead of diving in head first and going 0-60 right off the bat, start off slowly rubbing your penis around the outside of her labia. After a while, push in just the tip and tease for another minute (in, out, in, out). Then go half way in and tease some more.
If you take it slow, you can spend 3~5 minutes just building tension and anticipation for more pleasure (and maybe have her begging) by the time you’re all the way in.
Slow down
The easiest advice for lasting longer in bed is basically to just slow the fuck down, literally and figuratively.
Slow your pace. Be more deliberate. There’s no need to go full speed, no need to race to the finish line. Especially if you want your partner to finish the race as well (aka orgasm).
If you want some help, and extra heat to set the mood, put on a sexy playlist with your favorite slow jams to help you keep a slow rhythm.
Take your time and enjoy the build-up. When you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, slow down again, or stop. Then go again.
Condoms
If you are with an exclusive romantic partner, have been tested for STIs, and are practicing other forms of birth control, you may already be having sex without condoms.
Condoms of course dull some of the sensation. If you are having trouble ejaculating too quickly and want to last longer in bed, you can try going back to wearing a condom, at least at the start of the session. Then take it off at the end so you can feel everything and enjoy the final minutes.
Change positions and mix things up
Certain positions and angles squeeze and stimulate the penis more than others, and this can depend on your partner’s anatomy as well.
You may find that certain positions or angles don’t provide much sensation at all, while others make you want to explode after a few subtle movements.
Changing positions every few minutes can help you last longer in bed by changing the stimulation and sensation.
You can also use the time between positions to slow things down, stay pulled out (to allow the sensation to die down) for a minute or three, and do more non-penetration stuff like kissing, touching, and caressing, or even go down on her for a little while to keep her pleasure sensation building.
The art of edging
One of the best ways to last longer in bed is to practice edging. This is basically getting close to an orgasm but stopping before it happens, in order to keep going longer. This is something that can be done solo or with a partner.
To do this, you need to know how your body reacts as you get closer to orgasm–like a 1-10 scale where the orgasm is a 10 and a 9 is the point of no return.
Edging entails stopping (sometimes pulling out) or slowing down when you get to around 7-8, letting your meter go back down, and then resuming.
When you pause, you might also try squeezing the tip of your penis, known as the squeeze technique, to kill some of the built-up sensation and “reset” your meter.
Can viagra help?
Viagra and similar medications can help men treat ED (erectile dysfunction), making it easier to get and maintain an erection longer. However, this is not intended to help prevent ejaculating too quickly.
Numbing spray
If premature ejaculation seems to be a more serious problem for you, you’ve spoken to a medical professional already, and you’ve tried the above methods, there are numbing sprays that can help take away some of the sensation from the penis in order to last longer during intercourse.
Here’s a great interview on the Better in Bed podcast about this issue with the owner of a company that makes a fantastic spray called Promescent.
Check out my article about sex and maintaining a hot and steamy sex life in long-term relationships for more ideas, and message me if you’re interested working with me 1-on-1 to get better at dating, sex, and relationships.
