It’s difficult to maintain “honeymoon phase” levels of sexual excitement indefinitely, but it’s not impossible to sustain a healthy, fulfilling sex life for years or decades even.
Sex and sexual desire is a major part of most long-term romantic relationships. It makes sense. Relationships usually start out with a hot and heavy bedroom component, but after some time goes by the sexual desire and intimacy can fade. There are many possible reasons for this, but worry not: with a little teamwork, and the right tools, it’s possible to reignite sexual desire (aka the flames of passion), and bring heat back to the bedroom.
The importance of sexual intimacy and bonding
Not every person and not every relationship has or requires sexual intimacy, and that’s perfectly fine. But for most others, attraction, sex, and sexual intimacy is the spark that gets the fires of passion going for a relationship, and is one of the main ingredients that helps maintain closeness throughout the life of the relationship.
Sex feels good, makes us happy, and brings us closer to our partner. It’s a natural part of life, and is important for partner bonding and intimacy, as well emotional, physical, and mental health. It can relieve migraines and headaches, improve heart health and memory, among other health benefits.
Mother nature lends a big helping hand (no pun intended)
During attraction, our bodies release high amounts of dopamine (a neurotransmitter that helps us feel pleasure, reward, motivation, and focus) and norepinephrine (another neurotransmitter and hormone), helping us feel the sparks and chemistry that kickstart attraction, lust, and potentially love.
When we cuddle, get intimate, or have sex with a partner, our bodies also release oxytocin, aka the “cuddle chemical.” This helps us feel closer to our sexual partner, and evolved within human physiology to keep mates together long enough for love to kick in, a baby to be born, and both parents to still be together to raise the offspring, according to scientists and evolutionary biologists. (Oxytocin is also released in women’s bodies during childbirth and breast feeding to help them bond with their babies).
All of these work together like a natural chemical cocktail high that makes us feel euphoric and giddy over a new love interest. It can even feel like being on drugs, sometimes leading to an obsession, lack of appetite, lack of focus, and insomnia during the early stages of dating.
That is why continued sexual intimacy and a healthy sexual relationship is important for (most) relationships: it triggers hormones and chemicals that help us feel closer to our partner.
Like drinking a cup of coffee for some caffeine to help wake up in the morning, giving our relationships a little pick-me-up on a regular basis is healthy too.
From sizzle to fizzle
There are be many reasons why sexual desire and intimacy might fade in loving long-term relationships. Lack of sex and intimacy can be both a symptom of deeper relationship issues, and a cause of further issues. If missing or reduced to severely low levels, it can sometimes be the canary in the coal mine, signaling the beginning of the end of a relationship if steps aren’t taken.
My own marriage was mostly sexless for many years at the end. Lack of sex was a symptom of other issues, and led to more complications for us. So as a very sexual person who values sexual expression with my partner, I know how draining and debilitating a lack of intimacy can be in a relationship.
Here are some of the many reasons sexual desire and intimacy can fade in a relationship.
- At the start of a relationship, there’s space and absence, mystery, fun dates and new shared experiences getting to know each other. Then you learn “everything” about each other, move in together, and the “new relationship” excitement wears off. Gone are the spontaneous sweat sessions of the honeymoon phase (and weekends spent rolling around in bed), replaced by a Groundhog Day movie of the same un-arousing routines day after day.
- When the initial honeymoon phase wears off, both partners’ libidos return to their default state, which may not be the same level.
- Libidos can decrease or increase over time, with age and changes in hormones.
- Relying on your partner for all of your needs (friendship, therapy, business consultant, workout partner, IT expert, chef, babysitter, handyman) can put a lot of pressure and strain on the relationship, and drain desire.
- The novelty wears off and you eventually stop hugging, kissing, holding hands, snuggling, talking even. That is all connection and a form of foreplay, and desire has to start somewhere.
- Neglect and dissipation of the emotional connection, lack of emotional trust and safety.
- Relationship issues such as fighting, loss of respect for one another, financial woes, etc.
- Expectations on the woman to do all of the housework and chores.
- Yawn! If the sex is bad, boring, rote, mechanical, or otherwise unsatisfying (where are the orgasms?), your partner may not be super excited for repeat performances.
- When sex becomes a job or chore
- Lots of stress or exhaustion
- Body image, self-esteem, insecurity, performance anxiety can hold people back from wanting to get naked.
- Medications like birth control and antidepressants can alter chemical balances in the body and affect things like libido and sexual desire.
- Some people may experience pain during sex because of conditions like endometriosis.
- After having a baby, many (most?) couples experience trouble getting back to pre-baby sex drive levels right away.
It takes two to tango. And to foreplay
Building and maintaining a healthy relationship takes teamwork. It’s easy to complain, much harder to communicate and cultivate, and repair when something needs work. What can you and your partner do together to build the kind of relationship you want to have?
Foreplay can take many forms. Of course there’s touching and oral stimulation. But foreplay can also be sexting, a hot bath, giving your partner a massage, or even doing chores or things your partner normally does around the house so they can relax and de-stress a little.
There are many studies out there that show that many women are unable to climax from normal penetration alone. It can take a woman’s body up to 20 minutes to be fully “warmed up” (read: fully aroused) so more foreplay can lead to better and more satisfying sex.
Sex and sexual pleasure doesn’t have to be a race to the finish line. So be creative, ask what your partner likes, be adventurous together, and have fun.
It also helps to understand that when it comes to sex, men are often more spontaneous and visual, while women often need more connection and emotional safety, as well as a build-up to arousal. In other words, men are more “microwave” and women are more “oven.” Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but understanding this can help you create the kind of environment and cater to your partner’s needs and requirements for intimacy (and orgasms).
Women love sex just as much as men, despite what society and social stigma against women’s sexuality might say. But the conditions need to be right for it to be enjoyable and fulfilling.
Reigniting sexual desire to get the pilot light going again
Don’t worry. Hope is not lost. Open and honest communication with your partner can help identify the underlying causes of the decreased amount of sexy time. If you know the reasons, you can work together to address them and work on reigniting the sexual desire in your relationship. The key here being working together, as a team, without blame or shame or judgment.
Here are a handful of ways to reignite the passion with your partner and breathe new life into your sex life.
- Talk talk talk. Open, honest communication is crucial to relationships. If you can address the underlying issues driving a wedge between you and reconnect emotionally outside the bedroom, it will be easier to reconnect in the bedroom.
- Therapy, alone and/or as a couple. Some deeper underlying relationship issues may require professional help to work through.
- Absence makes heart grow fonder. Fire needs air to burn bright. Are you spending enough time apart, doing things on your own to fill your own cup?
- Do you know your primary Love Languages? This is how you feel and recognize love, and how you express love for others.
- Never stop dating your partner. Spend time reconnecting with each other, learning about each other. Try games like We’re Not Really Strangers and Truth or Drink to make it more fun to open up and connect.
- Show affection. Hug, cuddle, hold hands when you go on walks. Doesn’t hurt to spank their butt now and then either.
- “Foreplay all day.” Foreplay can be everything that happens in-between having sex. Stay connected and appreciative of your partner.
- #Choreplay. Do some chores around the house to take the load and stress off your partner and let them relax a little.
- Sexting and teasing. Anticipation is hottttt.
- New experiences and date nights. Do the things you used to do when you started dating. Get a hotel in the city, grab dinner, go dancing, and head back to the hotel for a night of steamy passion.
- Nothing’s more disappointing than going out to a fancy dinner and coming home and realizing you are too full (of food, and wine) to have sex. Have your “dessert” before you head out.
- Talk about sex! Talk about what you like and don’t like, what turns you on. Play card games like Truth or Drink.
- Learn to be GGG – good, giving, and game.
*Photo by Dainis Graveris at Unsplash - Slow down and take your time. Make it fun. Shift the focus of your sexy time away from racing to an orgasm to connection, pleasure, and exploration.
- What are you into? Do a “Yes / No / Maybe” list together to see what new activities you can try for fun. Or take the BDSM Test. Do you have a fantasy you haven’t talked about together?
- Get a little kinky. Blindfolds and restraints (ie., handcuffs), anyone?
- Variety is the spice of life. And of sex. Get busy in a room other than the bedroom, or even in the car or a public place. Hot hot hotttt.
- Have a play date and buy some new toys. Go online shopping together, or head to your local adult toy shop. The real fun begins when you unbox them…
- Explore your own body, on your own (and without porn or other stimulation). Get to know what makes you feel good, where and how you like to be touched, so you can show and communicate that to your partner.
- Movie night. Watch a steamy movie, a documentary about sex, or even some porn together.
- Rub-a-dub-dub. How about giving your partner a massage? How about a massage with massage oil? Or a massage candle for some hot (but not too hot) wax drip action?
- Schedule it if you have to. Putting it on the calendar may not be the sexiest thing, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
- Put on a “sexy time” playlist, and switch what you’re doing every time the song changes. Take turns picking the next position or “activity.”
- How long can you hold out? Set a rule for no penetration for first 30 minutes. Have fun making out, foreplay, and exploring each other’s bodies, or anything else you can think of. And maybe have a few orgasms in the process…
What are some other ways you’ve utilized to reignite sexual desire and chemistry in your relationships?
*Featured image by We Vibe Wow Tech at Unsplash.
