Communication is how we express ourselves and connect with others. But not all communication is created equal.
There are many components to a healthy, lasting relationship, including love, commitment, trust, safety, support, boundaries, intimacy, compromise, and shared values. But one of the most critical components is communication. A relationship requires communication to thrive. It’s hard to have a healthy relationship without healthy communication. Luckily it’s easier than you may think to improve your communication skills.
“Communication is key”…? Sort of.
There’s a saying: “communication is key.” I agree with that, but with a big giant asterisk attached.
Saying “the key to a good relationship is communication” is like saying “the key to a good meal is food” or “the key to a good painting is paint.”
There is good communication, and bad communication. And sometimes there’s no communication at all (i.e., giving the silent treatment), which is a form of communication.
The core element that holds a relationship together is communication. Communication is expression and connection, both verbal and non-verbal (sometimes a smile, or a look, conveys everything that’s on our mind).
However, what we say and how we say it is key.
Honest, open, respectful, consistent communication is key.
Mutual respect and understanding is key.
Being a good listener and a good communicator is key.
That is the secret sauce that enables a healthy relationship and makes everything possible.
Being a good communicator is easier said than done
In a recent poll on my Instagram story, 60% of respondents said they don’t think they are a good communicator in their relationships.
Open, honest, healthy communication is a skill we have to learn at some point in our lives. It’s a muscle we have to train. We’re not just born with it.
Like the language(s) we speak, our communication abilities, tendencies, and patterns are something we learn from the time we’re born. And like our (romantic) attachment styles, our ability or inability to communicate with our friends and loved ones is influenced by our upbringing, role models (or lack thereof), experiences, and trauma. Not to mention our personality and underlying psychological state.
I was an only child and never had siblings to share toys with, negotiate with, look up to (or down on), or fight with. I was introverted in high school and had a group of close friends, but I wasn’t super outgoing. When I got married and became a father in my early 20s, I didn’t have the tools to know myself and be a good communicator. Even in my first serious long-term relationship after my divorce, I realized I still had a lot of work on myself to do in order to be able to understand my own feelings, recognize my own needs, and be able to communicate with my partner (and the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert A Glover was a huge first step for me).
Over the years and through therapy, lots of personal work and inner work, and dating/relationship ups and downs, I learned a lot about healthy communication and maintaining open and honest lines of communication in relationships.
Here are seven key components and skills I’ve found that make healthy communication not only possible, but a positive and enriching experience that can bring both people closer.
1 – Everything starts within
It’s vital to be self-aware, and to know what you’re feeling and why. What are the underlying causes of the happiness, or sadness, or anger or frustration you’re feeling in the moment? We have to be able communicate and deal with the actual underlying issues, not just the visible symptoms or the things that trigger us. It all starts with honesty, to yourself, and your partner.
2 – Express yourself
The second key is the ability to formulate the words and express how you feel, honestly, and in a non-judgmental way. Using the wrong words can put your partner on the defensive, or even turn a conversation into an argument. Use statements like “I feel,” not “You always.” Be specific about what’s going on.
Without knowing how to express something, you may end up not saying anything. When you bottle it up, it can fester until it boils over into resentment or a full-blown argument, or worse.
3 – Trust and safety
You need to have enough trust in your partner and feel comfortable and safe to know your feelings will be heard by the other person, without being judged.
Have they created that safe space for you? Are you capable of asking for that space?
If you need to build more trust and safety, you can start with small things such as setting boundaries, and not agreeing with everything they say. Standing up for yourself in small ways builds confidence makes it easier to voice your feelings when bigger things come up.
4 – Your relationship is stronger than you think
It’s natural to not want to “rock the boat” with a difficult conversation (this used to be me, big time). But you need to feel confident and safe to know that your relationship is strong enough to withstand you speaking up for your feelings and needs, without the other person getting angry or taking offense, or worse, ending the relationship.
Oftentimes, opening up and being vulnerable, baring your emotions and your soul, can actually bring you closer to your partner.
5 – The right setting
Communication, especially a potentially difficult conversation, needs to happen at the right time, right place, and under the right context.
It also needs to happen in a timely manner, when things are going on, feelings are being felt. None of this bringing up something that hurt you in the middle of an argument months or years later.
6 – It takes two to tango
Communicating and expressing yourself to your partner means that you also need to listen (and read body language), understand, and respond to them. Without being defensive and without “reacting” or rebutting.
Give them the same courtesy they give you.
7 – Teamwork makes the dream work
Lastly, remember that you are partners, and you should face issues that come up as a team, not as adversaries trying to win or be “right.” If you’re competing with each other, in the end there is no real winner. It’s okay to disagree, but you have to stay on the same team.
Open, honest, healthy communication is a skill. We have to work on it, develop it. We have to use it or lose it, and risk losing the relationship as well.
One thing I started doing with my first serious LTR (post-divorce), after we hit some bumps in the road (due to my lack of communication skills at the time), was to have a check-in time every couple of weeks. We set aside 30 minutes to turn off all devices and talk. We were free to talk about anything that was on our mind, good or bad. This was me starting to develop some muscle in this department.
Do you have any relationship or communication questions for me? Leave a comment or drop me a note on my contact page.
*Featured image by Krishna Studio at Pexels
