Does the thought of dating again excite you? Or scare you? Here’s how to know if you’re ready to put yourself back out there, and how to set yourself up for success.
After a tough breakup or divorce, the prospect of trying to date again can be exciting, frightening, and everything in between. How do you know if you’re jumping back in too soon, or spending too much time holding onto the past instead of moving on? Here are five signs you’re ready to date again after a breakup or divorce, or if you still have some work left to do on yourself.
5 Signs You’re Ready To Date Again
1 – You’ve taken the time to heal and give yourself closure after your last relationship
How do you know you’re ready to jump back into the dating pool and date again? First and foremost, make sure you’re mentally and emotionally ready.
Breakups and divorce can be tough on a person emotionally, mentally, and physically. Some breakups can even be downright devastating. Recovery isn’t always quick and easy. Sometimes it takes a lot of time, self-work, even working with a professional, to recover and feel better again.
I’m not a fan of the saying “To love someone else, first you must love yourself.” There’s a lot more nuance to it, and I explain why in my article here. Healing and learning to love yourself is a journey, not a destination.
As long as you’re actively working on yourself and headed in a good direction, relationships and connections can be a big part of a positive feedback loop.
Only you can know how healed you are and if you’re mentally and emotionally ready to date again. But here are some questions you can ask yourself to get a better idea of where you are in your recovery process:
- Are you over your ex?
- Did you give yourself proper time to grieve?
- Have you given yourself closure?
- Are you at peace with your ex and with the split? Are you still angry or bitter?
- If you saw your ex in public, or on a dating app, how would you feel or react?
- What words do you use to describe your ex or the breakup? What feelings come up when you talk about the split?
- Do you feel mentally and emotionally prepared to handle rejection, ghosting, and all the not-so-fun parts of dating?
Are you actually over your ex yet? If you do things like stalk your ex on social media, are frequently reminded of your ex or bring them up in conversation, or compare new people you meet to your ex, you still have a ways to go.
2 – You are honest with yourself about your last relationship and how it ended
The next sign you are ready to date again is that you are able to be honest with yourself about what happened in your last relationship, what the underlying issues were, and the role you played in the relationship.
It may take some time to get past the hurt, anger, and blame and look back through an objective lens. But it’s critical to be honest with yourself about everything that happened, good and bad.
Yes there are toxic narcissist assholes out there, for sure. But not every ex falls in that category.
Placing 100% of the blame for everything bad that happened, without looking to see how you may have contributed to any of the issues within the relationship, is not conducive to healing or growth.
Without self-awareness and growth, without taking ownership and accountability for our actions, tendencies, insecurities, areas for improvement, and even our own “partner picker” attraction radar, it’s very easy to fall into the same patterns that led you to where you were before.
If you’re ready and have let go of the pain, blame, and resentment, here’s a great relationship inventory exercise that I came up with to help you take an honest look at your last or past relationships.
3 – You can articulate the lessons you learned from your last relationship
Reflection and self-awareness are the keys to growth, change, and breaking old habits and patterns.
If you view a relationship or marriage that ended with bitterness and anger and resentment, angry about it having been a waste of your time, you likely need some more time to process the breakup and heal from the pain.
However if you can look back, be thankful for the time and the memories you had with the person, and articulate the lessons you learned in a positive way, that’s a fantastic sign that you’re probably ready to date again.
From any relationship we learn lessons and things about ourselves, healthy/unhealthy communication, how to be in a (healthy) relationship, what we want and don’t want in a partner and a relationship, what we will and won’t tolerate, what it is we’re looking for, and how to be a better partner to the person we choose to be with.
In other words, relationships are a great tool for learning how to do better next time. What do you want to be different next time, and what can you do differently next time around?
4 – You have a clear picture of why you want to date again
Are you excited, or scared, about the possibility of meeting new people and making new connections? It’s okay if dating feels a little intimidating, and it’s okay if it makes you nervous. But if it makes you anxious or overwhelmed or full of dread, maybe you’re not quite ready.
Do you want to date again because you’re lonely and looking to fill a void? Or to distract yourself from the pain of the breakup so you don’t have to deal with it?
It can take time to learn to be comfortable being on your own again after being “with” someone for months or years. If you’re lonely, or anxious and uncomfortable being alone, you may become desperate and settle for anything that cures you of your loneliness.
Do you want to date because you feel like you “should” be dating, because adults are “supposed to be” in relationships? Or are you actually ready to move on and meet new people? And do you actually want to make new connections, and let someone new into your heart, and your life?
If you’re not truly ready, don’t force it.
People who jump from relationship to relationship without taking the time to grieve, heal the pain, or address past relationship issues are only falling into old patterns and adding onto the pain of the past.
5 – You have clear dating goals
If you just got out of a long term relationship or marriage, you don’t necessarily need to try to date again and jump back into another serious relationship immediately.
It’s perfectly okay to date with goals other than seeking a serious long-term relationship.
In fact, it can be healthy to date around a little.
Have some new experiences, get to know yourself and your likes/dislikes more, get your “sea legs” back, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Play the field and enjoy being single for a while!
Whether you are looking for a serious relationship, something casual, nothing serious, something open or poly, just a little bit of fun, or something that could turn into a serious relationship, you need to know what you’re open to, what you don’t want, and what your boundaries are.
It’s important to be able to recognize red flags and let go of someone (even if they’re really hot or seem really great) when you know they aren’t a good match for what you’re looking for.
Likewise it’s important to be able to recognize when you have found a good match for what you want, and where there is potential for a healthy relationship, without running away.
If you don’t know what you want, you may end up wasting time chasing all the wrong things.
The most important thing is to be honest with yourself, and the people you meet, about where you’re at and what you’re looking for.
There’s no shame in not being ready for something serious and just wanting to meet new people and date casually, as long as you’re honest about it and not misleading others, or especially yourself.
If you’re not ready, there’s no rush. Don’t force it
There’s no shame in being single. There’s no shame in giving yourself time to heal and process your feelings after a breakup.
You might need a week, a month, six months, a year, or more. There’s no need to rush back into dating before you’re ready.
If you are still in pain from the breakup, here is my guide for navigating the grief process.
If you’ve grieved but think you may need more time to be alone and process things before you’re ready to let someone new into your heart, check out my guide for getting back on your feet after a divorce or breakup.
*Featured picture by Cottonbro at Pexels.
