Breathe new life into your sex life with these hot and steamy tips

At the start of a relationship, every kiss, every makeout session, every roll in the hay is new and exciting. As time goes by, the “new relationship” excitement wears off. Gone are the spontaneous sweat sessions of the honeymoon phase (and weekends spent rolling around in bed), replaced by a Groundhog Day movie of the same bedroom routine over and over. Building and maintaining a passionate and steamy sex life over the long-term takes teamwork. What can you and your partner do together to build the kind of relationship you want to have? What are some hot and sexy ways to spice up your sex life? Keep reading to find out. I go deep before giving you the tips. Yes that’s reverse order, I know 😉  

Let’s start by redefining what “sex” is

When most people think about “sex,” they think of the act or performance of male-female penetrative sex. But sex is much more than that. 

Sex is pleasure. Sex is play. Sex is exploration. Sex is intimate physical and emotional connection (regardless of genders or types of genitalia involved).

The things we traditionally consider “foreplay,” such as kissing and touching, manual and oral stimulation, are more than just an appetizer. They are a part of the same dance. They are a critical part of pleasure and play and a maintaining a satisfying sex life.

The biggest sex organ is…

Our biggest sex organ is our brain. Sex begins not with a physiological response and a rush of blood to our nether regions, but in our mind and our imagination. 

A major key to building and maintaining a spicy sex life is the strong emotional connection: the teasing and anticipation, and the stimulation, titilation and temptation of the imagination. 

We all want to be seen, wanted, desired, and lusted after. For who we are, not just as a vessel for someone else’s pleasure. 

What this means is… If you want hotter sex, AND more frequent sex, keep things spicy, and connected and respected, and desired and inspired, all of the time. Continue to express your love and affection and lust and admiration for your partner, even when (especially when) you’re not horny and looking to get down.

Spontaneous versus responsive desire

Sometimes you may just wake up feeling horny. Or get an urge because you have the right mix of hormones and chemicals and things going on within your body.

That’s spontaneous desire. 

On the other hand, there is responsive desire. It could be a touch or a kiss or a slow dance, or a few glasses of wine to help you feel more relaxed and connected and sensitive to touch and caresses from your partner that spark a tingle. Or it could be kissing or snuggling or touching in bed that takes you from “not in the mood” to starting to feel a little frisky.

Responsive desire is basically the mind reacting to physical stimulation that makes us feel good, and allows us to get turned on and “in the mood” in response to the body sensation. 

What this means for you and your sex life is that you and your partner don’t necessarily have to wait until you are both spontaneously feeling horny and in the mood to get started. And in long-term relationships, sometimes that can feel like waiting for Mars, Mercury, Venus and Pluto to be in alignment.

If you are open to touch and intimacy and affection and closeness with your partner day to day and throughout the day (“dig the well before you’re thirsty”), without the expectation of sex every time, then your body will be more open to getting “turned on” to sex in the moment.

There are all sorts of health benefits to sex, not to mention strengthening the emotional connective bond between you and your partner. And fun fact: sex can relieve stress, and studies have shown that it can also relieve pain from headaches and migraines as well. 

So don’t wait until you both “feel” in the mood. Keep the intimacy, the touching and kissing and hugging and snuggling, alive in your relationship, and you’ll likely find yourself getting “in the mood” more often.

24 ways to add more spice, variety, and passion to your sex life in (and out of) the bedroom

1 – Try some sexting and teasing

Anticipation is hottttt. Start with just telling them how hot your last session was, or that you can’t stop thinking about how good it felt. Let them know how much you enjoyed that specific thing they did last night, or what you’re looking forward to doing to them when you get home tonight. Let your imagination run wild. Get your mind INTO the gutter. And…sexting is a good way to practice getting comfortable with dirty talk (without having to say the things to your partner’s face).

2 – Use your words

Dirty talk doesn’t have to be complicated. Tell your partner how good they look or feel or taste, how you love what they’re doing to you, or what you want them to keep doing or do next. As you build up confidence, you may be surprised about what comes out of your mouth (even as you’re putting something else into it).

3 – Slow down and take your time

Slow your roll. Make it fun. Explore each other’s bodies, new places you’ve never touched or licked or tickled or pinched before. When you do finally move to the penetration part of the session, take your time building up. Enjoy the sensations. Slow down and enjoy every little neurotransmitter signal sending signals of pleasure from your body to your brain. Shift the focus of your sexy time away from racing to an orgasm and towards connection, exploration, and pleasure.

4 – Talk about sex with your partner

Talk about what you like and don’t like, what turns you on, and any fantasies you’d like to explore together. Talk over dinner or in the car or on the couch, so you can build anticipation for the next time you’re in bed together.

5 – What are you into?

Do a “Yes / No / Maybe” list together to see what new sexy activities you can try for fun. 

6 – Get a little kinky

Blindfolds and restraints (eg., handcuffs), anyone? You can even take the BDSM test to see what new curiosities and proclivities you might want to explore together.

7 – Location, location, location

Get naked in the living room, kitchen, bathroom, closet, or anywhere else in the house you haven’t christened yet. Try different couches, chairs, counters, floors, or even standing up!

8 – Take a trip back in time

Do the things you used to do when you started dating. Get a hotel in the city, grab dinner, go dancing, and head back to the hotel for a night of steamy passion.

9 – Don’t get caught!

Explore PDA, heavy petting, or more in a public place, and by the time you get home you won’t be able to make it past the front door. Hot hot hotttt.

10 – Steamy car windows

Find a romantic or secluded spot to explore the backseat of your car together.

11 – Did someone say…lingerie?

Treat yourself or your partner to some sexy lace, or even something with plenty of leather and straps. 

12 – Have a playdate

Buy some new toys. Go online shopping together, or head to your local adult toy shop. The real fun begins when you unbox them…

13 – Explore your own body

Explore your body on your own (and without porn or other stimulation). Get to know what makes you feel good, where and how hard or soft you like to be touched, what turns you on, what makes you come, so you can show and communicate that to your partner.

14 – Have a movie night

Watch a steamy movie, a documentary about sex, or even some porn together.

15 – Partner massage

How about a massage with massage oil? Or a massage candle for some hot (but not too hot) wax drip action (and heavy rubbing and petting)?

16 – Oldie but goodie

When was the last time you tried 69 or mutual masturbation? This can be a lot of fun to focus on exploring each other’s bodies and pleasure sensations.

17 – Mood music

Create a “sexy time” playlist for your sexy time sessions. Add a new layer of play by switching what you’re doing every time a song ends. Take turns picking the next position or way to please (or tease) your partner. This can be a great way to get out of your comfort zone and try something new to see what works and what doesn’t.

18 – Make it all about them

Take turns on different days to fully devote the time to each other’s pleasure, whatever they want in or out of bed. Each person gets to direct the scene and have their sexiest wishes fulfilled.

19 – Sexy Simon Says

Make your partner tell you where they want you to kiss or touch next. Make them use their words, and you can only do what your partner tells you (or begs you) to do.

20 – Edging

Edging is the practice of stopping stimulation prior to orgasm. Basically “teasing.” Doing this multiple times can even produce an even stronger orgasm once you allow yourself (or your partner) to climax. This is great for solo play, or for teasing and turning on your partner during partnered sex (with your hands, mouth, fingers, toys, or penetrative sex). 

21 – How long can you hold out?

Set a rule for no penetration for the first 30 minutes (or an hour, or a week even). Have fun making out, foreplay, and exploring each other’s bodies, hands and mouths and toys anywhere and everywhere, or anything else you can think of. And maybe have a few (dozen) orgasms in the process. 

22 – Slippery when wet

The right kind of lube can enhance play or bring a new flavor (quite literally) to your bedroom adventures. And contrary to popular belief, lube is not just about facilitating when things are a little dry. I’m a firm (no pun intended) believer that the slipperier (is that a word?) the better! Nowadays there are even all sorts of sensation-enhancing lubes including CBD (I can vouch for the Intimacy Sex Oil from Foria) or minty tingly sensations, and flavored oils for oral play. If you’re not sure where to start, do some research and pick up some samples from your local adult toy store to test out. 

23 – Take sex to new highs

If you live in a country or state where cannabis (aka marijuana) is legal, consider picking yourself up some edible gummies (or cookies or brownies). Cannabis is a natural vasodilator (read: it opens up blood vessels, which can lead to stronger physical arousal and stimulation), and opens you up to relaxation, playfulness, and stronger sensations. Which basically means that sex while high can be pretty freaking amazing. Your local dispensary staff can probably advise you on which products would be great for sex, or you can start with this article here.

24 – Last but definitely not least…

Sex often becomes a nighttime routine before sleep. That is…if you can both make it to bed at the same time, before you fall asleep. So why not try some morning sex, when you’re freshly refreshed and already in bed, or get frisky with each other during the day when you’re both wide awake and full of energy?

Sex is about the journey, not the destination

Sex and sexual pleasure isn’t a race to the finish line. It’s a life-long pleasure practice. So be creative, ask what your partner likes, be adventurous together, and most importantly, have fun.

If just “doing more sexy stuff” isn’t enough to resuscitate your sex life with your partner, there is likely a lot more at play in your relationship. Read my article here about reigniting passion, including some of the various things that can dampen and reduce desire over the long-term that can have a domino effect on sex and intimacy.