Self-love. Self-care. Just a few of the recent buzzwords as psychology, self-help, and motivational memes become more commonplace. But can it really help build your confidence? Or is it just the latest incarnation of “Daily Affirmations With Stuart Smalley”?
In the simplest of terms, self-love is loving yourself and accepting yourself for who you are, flaws and imperfections and all, without judgment. We would never talk to our family or friends the way we sometimes put ourselves down in our own heads. And self-care is prioritizing yourself and taking care of yourself physically and mentally. Learn ways to practice self-love every day and build your self-esteem from within.
Low self-esteem and self-worth can stem from shame for not meeting society’s or religion’s standards for being “normal” or successful; or from certain setbacks or perceived failures; or from words ingrained on our young impressionable minds from our parents or teachers or friends or bullies; or from experiences as a child that created self doubt or feelings of inadequacy or abandonment; or from having suffered abuse or trauma; or from mood disorders like anxiety or depression; or maybe it’s imposter syndrome and feeling like they don’t deserve what they have.
As someone who has dealt with a lot of shame and self-esteem issues ever since I was young, I have done a lot of work on learning to love myself over the last five years. Even getting to the point of liking myself and accepting myself for who I am took a lot of work.
Here are 13 tried and tested ways to practice self-care and self-love, and in the process build your self-esteem and self-confidence for a better life. Some are small mental checks and habit changes, some are much bigger steps and actions. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is self-confidence. Take it one step at a time, one day at a time.
1. Be more forgiving of your own mistakes and imperfections
We’re all imperfect. That makes us human. And even people who seem perfect are likely hiding their own flaws and/or insecurities. So respect yourself. Be kind to yourself. No more self-deprecating humor, no more putting yourself down, no more apologizing for being who you are.
Try not to let simple mistakes ruin your day, or week. Stop beating yourself up over what you did versus what you should have done or said instead. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and life goes on. And mistakes can teach us important lessons, help us grow, make us better. Be compassionate with yourself.
Shame can be found at the root of a lot of perfectionism, insecurities, self-esteem issues, and more. Learn more about overcoming shame through vulnerability from the best-selling book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown.
2. Stop comparing yourself to others
There’s always going to be someone smarter, hotter, skinnier, stronger, faster, richer, more successful, further along in their career, happier, whatever. And here’s a secret: the person you’re comparing yourself to is probably comparing themself to someone else right now. That doesn’t change how awesome you are.
We all have problems. And issues. And bad days. People are just good at hiding these things from others.
Don’t compare your “bad days” to all of the perfectly framed and cropped and color-corrected Instagram story-versions of people’s lives.
If you are feeling sad or upset or down about something, your feelings are valid. If you tend to feel bad or beat yourself up for feeling bad, remember that there’s always going to be someone worse off than you. Just because someone else may have two broken legs doesn’t mean your one broken leg isn’t a tough situation for you.
3. Give yourself credit
We often get so caught up in the future and what we don’t have, that we forget to take a look back and look how far we’ve come.
Being grateful for what we have and acknowledging or celebrating what we’ve achieved can reduce stress and help us feel more happy and content. And it helps us realize that we’re stronger, smarter, and more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.
We may face setbacks and challenges throughout our life, but we keep on keepin’ on.
Take some time to think about (or write out) all of the things you’ve achieved, or overcome, or survived, in the last year or 10 years, or your entire life. And think about all the great places you’re headed.
Remember, life happens one step at a time.
4. Say yes to the dress (or jacket, or haircut)
When your internal narrative says you’re not cool enough or pretty enough anyway, or feel you’re too busy taking care of everyone else and end up putting yourself last, it’s easy to fall into a rut and give up on your own physical appearance. Or hide behind plain or baggy clothes.
Treat yourself a little. Try out a new hairstyle. Throw out (donate) your old clothes that don’t fit you physically and don’t “fit” the person you want to be.
Do some research about how to dress better (see yours truly showcasing common style mistakes guys make).
And then go treat yourself to some new threads and kicks.
The mind follows the body and the body follows the mind. So dress how you want to feel, and your feelings will start to catch up to the “new you.”
When you look better, you’ll feel better about yourself. It’s transformational, like a kickstart to feeling like a new person. And that can be a big step towards better self-confidence. A big step taken in a pair of stylish new shoes.
5. Take care of what your mama gave you
Eat right. Be active and get enough exercise. Get enough rest. Go to the doctor for preventative care. These seem like simple things, but are often taken for granted.
If you take care of your body, your body will take care of you. When you feel better physically, it can improve your mental health as well.
Working out and exercising can also help clear your mind. About 20-25 minutes into exercising, your prefrontal cortex basically deactivates in order to preserve energy. This literally helps clear your mind and de-stress. Exercise also releases endorphins, which make you feel good and are nature’s pain and stress reliever.
And regular exercise has been proven to reduce stress, boost self-esteem, improve sleep, and help ward off anxiety and depression. Other health benefits include increased energy levels, lower blood pressure, stronger bones and bones, and of course helping you be more fit and healthy.
6. Post it anyway
“I can’t post this picture… I look really old / My hair looks messy / I look chubby from that angle / I’m not one of “those” people that just posts because they’re insecure and need validation / Eww I hate my face, bleh / I look silly, people are going to think I’m stupid / Nobody wants to see a selfie of me anyway… What was I thinking? DELETE!”
I think I’ve told myself every one of those things at least once.
Your internal voice, the back-seat driver second-guessing you, may seem like it’s just protecting you from harsh judgment and scrutiny from the world. But it’s your insecurities and fear of being open and vulnerable holding you back from putting yourself out there and getting the love you deserve.
So give your back-seat driver the middle finger, or at least a non-confrontational Mute button if that’s more your style. Post it anyway. Your friends love you. Don’t reject and criticize yourself on their behalf.
7. Just say no to dr…ains on your energy
People-pleasing and perfectionism are often rooted in insecurity and the mistaken, unconscious belief that if you are perfect and make no mistakes, or act agreeable or avoid conflict or never say “no,” or buy them lots of things, then you’ll be worthy of getting the love and recognition you deserve.
Putting your own happiness and worth in the hands of others means you’re giving up the power over your own life to everyone else. Prioritize yourself and your needs. Set boundaries, put your own time and needs first, and say no when you need to.
Don’t drain your energy, or put your own needs or happiness last, trying to make everyone else happy.
8. Protect your own mental and emotional health
Foster and maintain good relationships that add to your well-being, and reduce or cut out relationships that are toxic or drain your energy. Reach out to trusted people when you do feel down and need to connect and re-charge. Maintain a good life balance to avoid burnout from too much work, relationships, or other stressors.
9. Treat yo self.
Do things that make you happy, make you smile, and bring you joy. Remember to relax and unwind every once in a while (preferably at least a few times a week). Whether it’s a burger and a beer (or video chat happy hour) with a close friend, a long hot bath, an invigorating 3-mile run or intense workout with your favorite playlist going, or an evening on the couch with your favorite book or show (don’t forget the ice cream), do something that recharges your batteries.
Ask yourself “what do I need today?” This is what self-care is all about.
10. Dig deeper
If you feel stuck or sad or angry or depressed sometimes, or like you keep repeating the same unhealthy mistakes or choices or relationship patterns, and you want to make a change, then it’s time to start looking into the underlying reasons behind it all.
Peel back the onion layers. Dissect your moods and emotions to better understand why you’re feeling sad or alone or scared or frustrated, or why you are easily angered or triggered by certain things, always need to be in control and can’t accept help, or find yourself wandering the aisles of Target three times a week.
These issues can stem from hidden and unresolved feelings of shame, guilt, self-esteem, childhood experiences and trauma, rejection, feelings of abandonment or trust issues, or something else entirely.
Ways to work on being more self-aware range from stepping outside of the emotion to examine internal and external factors through mediation (or just sitting with your thoughts during your commute, during a workout, or as you lather up in the shower), journaling, talking through your situation with friends or family, reading books or articles about what you’re going through, or working with a professional.
There are plenty of resources online, and plenty of books out there, covering every topic imaginable. That’s just the start, so if the issues turn out to be deeper, your next step is to…
11. Get help for the bigger stuff
Work with a therapist or coach to help understand yourself better and discover tools to help yourself. Therapy can be incredibly helpful for people dealing with relationship problems, big life transitions (marriage, divorce, parenting, career), anxiety and depression, shame and guilt, after-effects of trauma, and more.
It can be helpful even if you aren’t facing a “problem” per se, or helpful to have someone to talk to before something small turns into something much bigger. It’s preventative medicine for the heart and mind. Mental health is very much “health.”
12. Attack your limiting beliefs and rewrite your internal narrative
The narrative we have consciously or unconsciously defined for ourselves determines the course of our lives. It defines what we think we deserve, what we pursue, what we achieve, and what we settle for in different parts of our lives. It could be the voice in our head like a backseat driver, or the things we say out loud to reject ourselves from opportunities before we even try.
Is your narrative holding you back, or setting you up for success? It’s not set in stone, so at any time you can rewrite it and change your destiny, if you know how.
13. Keep at it
Self-esteem and self-confidence are skills. If you aren’t one of those annoying people that was born with infinite amounts running through their veins, then these are muscles you have to exercise and flex, get positive reinforcement, and keep repeating, in order to get used to loving and accepting yourself.
It’s a process, not a destination. Just like you can’t just do 10 pushups and say “I’m strong now, all done!”
What are some ways you find helpful to boost your self esteem, overcome self-doubt, or practice self-love? Let me know in the comments below.
