Here are some of the biggest mistakes, faux pas, red flags, and warning signs to avoid on first dates.
If you’ve ever had what you thought was a great first date, and then been ghosted or had the “not feeling a romantic vibe” hammer dropped on you (seemingly for no reason), you may have inadvertently committed one of the cardinal sins of first dates. Here are 13 of the most common first date mistakes, faux pas, warning signs, and red flags to avoid or watch out for. Especially if you want to have a better chance of scoring a second date. Or if the person you’re with does some of these, think hard before you agree to a second date.
*The writing here can be applied to all relationships regardless of the genders of those involved. I may use gendered terms to generalize because I am speaking about my own personal experiences in dating.
1. Not dressing for the occasion
One of the most common, and biggest, complaints I’ve heard from female friends about first dates is the guy not putting in any “effort.” Maybe he shows up wearing cargo shorts and flip flops, or sweaty gym clothes, or a work uniform after an 8-hour shift. Or just looking schlubby in general.
Women usually put in effort to look nice and make a good first impression on dates. And men should too.
Do you want your date’s first impression of you to be “ooh-la-la!!”? Or…“eww, what are they wearing??”?
Wear something appropriate (and clean) for the date you’re going on. If you’re going rock climbing or on a hike, of course wear something appropriate for that activity. But if you’re going out for brunch or happy hour drinks, dress appropriately for the venue and time of day.
Dress up for yourself as well. You want to feel good and confident in what you’re wearing. Those good vibes will come through in your confidence and mood.
2. Bad hygiene
Showing up to a date with bad breath, messy hair, or a bad case of B.O. can likely kill any hopes of building attraction between the two of you. So give yourself a sniff, pop a fresh mint or two, and check a mirror or your selfie camera before you walk up to your date.
3. Not letting her order first
Be a gentleman. When the server or bartender comes by to take your order, let her order first. Or find out what she wants beforehand and take the lead by communicating both of your orders. Or don’t, if you want to come across as kind of a jerk.
4. Talking too much
If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “they talked about themself the whole time!” I’d have…a lot of money. It comes across as “I’m trying to impress you and make you like me by telling you all the cool things about me. Or I’m nervous. Maybe a little self-centered too.” And…! If you talk the whole time and they can’t get in a word edgewise, how are you supposed to learn enough about them to figure out whether you like them or not?
Conversely, no one likes to feel interrogated, being asked question after question.
The conversation should feel like a dance. More like the tango, and less like Napoleon Dynamite doing his Canned Heat performance on stage.
5. Bringing up an ex, or going on and on about them
Early dating conversation can sometimes lead to talk of past relationships. And that’s totally fine. It can be wise to do a little preliminary digging to see if there are any red flags that pop up. Like commitment issues, or trying to jump into LTR before divorce papers have even been signed (and before healing has taken place or even been attempted). It wouldn’t be unheard of for people in relationships or actually married to be swimming in the dating pool with the singles, either. So it doesn’t hurt to ask.
If the topic does come up organically, be honest, don’t avoid talking about it, but also don’t dwell on the subject too long.
That being said, if you bring it up on your own, such as, “my ex used to say that all the time,” or if you badmouth your ex or everyone you’ve ever dated by calling them crazy, that’s a big red flag. It screams “I’m not over my ex and I probably have some unresolved issues from those past relationships. Hope you’re ready for me!”
Work on your issues. And stop dumping them all over your dates.
6. Being an a**hole
This should go without saying, but don’t be a d*ck.
Be nice to the servers and wait staff and people that work at wherever you’re on your date together. In fact, be nice to them even when you’re not on a date with someone. Be nice to everyone in general. Be a decent human being. To everyone.
This also includes remembering the other person’s name correctly. Don’t be arrogant, pushy, mansplain-y (big red flag). Also a big fat no for negging, insults, and trashing the other person or their opinions. Don’t get on your soapbox and start an argument about politics, or spout racist, sexist, or misogynistic things (ding ding triple red flag).
7. Bad table manners
Nothing cancels out any “hot” attraction points you may have earned leading up to or during a date quite like exhibiting bad or gross table manners. No one is looking across the table, watching their date chew with their mouth open, pick their teeth with their finger, or let out a loud belch, and thinking to themselves “I can’t wait to jump this guy’s bones.”
8. Getting drunk
It should go without saying that not being able to hold your liquor is very unattractive. Making an ass of yourself on a first date is a surefire way to make sure there is no second date. Especially if you turn into a mean drunk (bright red flag!). Limit yourself to 2-3 drinks on a date, depending how long you’re out together. You know your limits better than anyone.
9. Checking your phone
When you’re not present on a date, not paying attention, it sends the message that you’re bored and would rather be somewhere else.
Pay attention, listen, engage in conversation and ask follow-up questions. Flirt, tease, and have fun. But whatever you do, keep your phone in your pocket and set it to silent.
The only reason you should be taking out your phone is to show a picture of that thing you’re talking about, or look up some piece of information you both are wondering about.
Of course if you have children at home and an emergency comes up, let your date know ahead of time that you might need to check your phone just in case.
10. Watching TV or following the game
Even if you’re at a sports bar or the big game is on the TV where you’re at, be present in the conversation and pay attention to your date. Don’t keep glancing over at the TV to check the game.
Unless you have communicated beforehand that you have a specific reason for keeping tabs on the game. Maybe you both have Fantasy Football teams and picked that bar so you could both keep dibs.
11. Getting handsy or too forward
A woman needs to feel comfortable, safe, and attracted before there can be any sort of physical escalation. Romantic and sexual tension is something you build over the course of a date or a number of dates. You can’t walk her to her doorstep and suddenly go from 0 to 100, shoving your tongue down her throat, after spending the last 60 minutes talking about work and hobbies.
That being said, gentlemen can be sexy and freaky too. Flirt, build attraction, and work your way up the escalation ladder. Read the body language. Look for the green lights (or just ask) before you proceed. Otherwise you may come off as creepy and kill any chances for another date.
12. Expecting to split the check
Regardless of your thoughts on dating etiquette and norms, it is generally expected that the man pays for the first date. So when the check comes, be prepared to pay the full bill. She may offer to pay for half, but it’s your call whether to take her up on it.
But if you want another date with her, don’t sit there waiting for her to offer to pay half like you’re expecting her to. That’s not going to go over well in most cases. Who pays for the check and whether or not to split it is another discussion, and a super common question, and there is no “size fits all” answer.
13. Feeling entitled to a kiss or sex
Just because you go out on a date and pay for drinks or dinner, doesn’t mean a woman is going to kiss you or agree to go home with you. Regardless of how you met or what dating app you met on. A date is still a date, and you still have to put in effort to connect, flirt, have fun, feel safe, and make a connection before any of the other stuff can start to happen. Watch cues and body language, respect boundaries, and don’t be pushy or a creep.
Now that you know what NOT to do, read my 10 Tips for Fantastic First Dates, a cheatsheet for how to have the right mindset and tools for having more successful first dates.
Which of these first mistakes and date faux pas do you see the most often? What are some other dating blunders you’ve committed, or been on the receiving end of? Let me know in the comments below.
*Featured image by Priscilla Du Preez at Unsplash.
Comments
I once had a date where I tried to engage a guy in conversation, mutual likes and things we had in common and all he would say to me was “soooooo, ask me a question” and then he would answer followed by “ask me another question.” Talk about a self-absorbed person!
Yikes! Yes self-absorbed, and lazy! That’s not how dates work, dude.
#3 is a telling behavior on self-centered mind or lack of consideration. I believe the man should always let the woman order first, dish out first on shared plate, etc. on all dates, not just the first date.
Talking too much is really a red flag, it can also make the other date uncomfortable sometimes. Love the advice!