Here are ten first date tips to help you make better connections, have amazing first dates, and hopefully have more second and third dates as a result.
First dates can be amazing: so much excitement, anticipation, and nervousness wrapped into one. Great conversation, maybe a few fancy cocktails or a fun walk through the park (or nowadays, a socially-distanced happy hour video date). Or…they can be awkward AF: hilarious fodder for Zoom happy hour “story time,” or just a reminder that sometimes dating can really suck. If you want more great first dates, and hopefully more second dates, keep reading for my best tips for having a successful first date.
If you are doing some or all of your first dates virtually via video chat, when you’re done here be sure to check out my tips for putting your best foot forward on video dates as well.
1. Mindset and #firstdategoals
With the right mindset, you can calm your nerves (and the butterflies) and focus on what really matters. Namely…being present, connecting, and having a good time.
Your biggest goal for any first date should just be to…
- be present
- have fun
- figure out if you if you to want to see the person again
If you’re having fun, the other person is going to have a good time too. Boring is the opposite “sexy” or chemistry-inducing.
Some people approach first dates trying to figure out if the other person could possibly be their “soulmate.” They may not even realize they’re doing it. That’s way too much pressure. Slow your roll and just try to enjoy the date!
2. Put yourself in a good mood
First impressions happen in the first 20 seconds we meet someone. That’s when our gut instincts help us decide whether we like and trust someone. You want to come off as friendly, confident, and engaging. Not anxious or nervous.
The best way to make sure you’re in the right mood to give a good first impression is to have a pre-game ritual. Whether you’re full of positive energy, or nervous or negative energy, your date will feel it.
On the day of, get the blood and endorphins flowing with a nice walk, some exercise, or whatever you normally do to get your body moving. Or right before the date, call up a friend so you can warm up your socializing muscles and get some good vibes flowing.
Bonus tip! Pop a mint or some gum 30~ minutes before the date to make sure your breath doesn’t make a bad first impression on your behalf before you even say hello.
3. Dress to impress
Dress nice, dress comfortably, and dress appropriate for the venue.
You don’t have to wear a suit or a fancy dress for a first date. But you should at least put in some effort to look presentable.
I’ve heard horror stories of guys showing up to bars or museums in sweaty gym clothes, hospital scrubs, or cargo shorts, dirty hoodies, and flip flops. Yikes!
Do you want the first thought that crosses her/his/their mind as you approach them to be “Ooh nice outfit”? Or “OMG did they just roll off the couch?”
You’d think this one would be common sense, but apparently it isn’t!
4. Refresh your memory
Something I like to do before first dates is take a few minutes to review the person’s profile and skim our chat messages. You don’t want to give the impression that you don’t remember details about them, or that you’re going on so many dates you can’t keep all the people straight.
Bonus tip! When I add someone’s number to my phone, I put a few things in the “notes” section. For example: “Cindy, 37, yoga teacher, SF Mission District, from NYC, dog named Rex.” Makes it super quick and easy to check right before the date!
5. Keep it low key to start
First dates are about getting to know each other, first and foremost. That can be a little hard, not to mention awkward, sitting across from each other at a table over a 60-90 minute app-and-entree meal. Besides, if you know in the first five minutes that they’re not a good match for you, do you really want to be stuck for an hour and a half (and the dinner check)?
The best kind of low key, low-pressure first date is grabbing drinks or coffee to start. Once you have your drinks, you can sit at the bar, a small table, outside, or anywhere, and just focus on chatting with each other. Plus, sitting next to each other, being close, allows you to feel each others’ energy (compared to sitting across from each other on opposite sides of a restaurant table).
If the date is going well, you can transition to a park near the coffee shop, or a restaurant around the corner from the bar to grab some food. Or maybe there’s a bowling alley near by, or some cute shops you can browse together.
Planning ahead equals big brownie points, and dates that span two or three venues feel a lot more exciting and engaging. And fun and engaging equals higher chances of a second date.
6. Be a good communicator
Conversation is like a dance. Make sure you’re talking, asking questions, and giving your date a chance to talk and ask you questions as well. You don’t want your date to feel like you talked the whole time, or like you were interrogating them with question after question.
People remember how you make them feel more than the exact things you say. So bring the positive vibes, and they’ll end up wanting to spend more time with you.
How do you do this, exactly? Be present, be a good listener, and ask follow-up questions. To be interesting, be interested in them.
Confidence and being a good listener is sexy AF.
Don’t spend half the date trying to think of something funny or witty to say and miss half of the conversation, including all of the non-verbal / emotional cues.
Whatever you do, don’t make it your goal to “impress” the other person. That just sends you down a path of trying too hard (and bragging), being inauthentic, and not being present in the conversation. And when you’re not present, you’re missing crucial verbal and non-verbal cues that are crucial for building a connection.
7. Have some backup questions
Having one or two of these in your back pocket to help you keep the conversation flowing, and help dig a little deeper beyond normal first date small talk. Emotional connections over deeper topics (beyond work/family) is a surefire way to start building some interest and chemistry.
Don’t think of these examples as a script to rely on from the get-go, so much as additional topics once you get past the intro small talk.
- What were you like as a kid? How different are you now?
- Where is “home” to you? Would you consider living in another city in the future?
- Do you have a dream that you’re pursuing?
- Do you have a bucket list? What are some of the items on it?
- If you could wake up tomorrow with one new skill or talent (foreign language, musical instrument, singing, cooking, etc.), what would it be?
- What’s the hardest or scariest thing you’ve ever done?
- If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money and the rest of your life?
8. Get down and flirty
Why do first dates end up in the dreaded friendzone? It’s often because one or both parties didn’t feel any chemistry.
Been there, done that. Perfect example: my many many first dates (with barely any second dates) in the first year after my divorce. I knew nothing about flirting in person, and lacked the confidence to even try.
It’s hard to create chemistry (aka feel a “spark”) on a first date without a little flirting here and there. Especially for video chat first dates.
Flirting is a fun, light-hearted way to express interest in someone in small bursts and increments. It can be verbal (ie., playful banter, teasing, role play) or non-verbal (ie., eye contact, gestures, smirks and smiles and winks).
Even if you’re not great at flirty banter, try to relax and just keep the conversation fun and flowing.
A drink or two may help you loosen up as well, which can lead to more smiling, more flirting, maybe even a lingering forearm touch. And who knows, it may even lead to a prolonged stare followed by a lean-in. Which could net you a first kiss or two. Bingo! Sparks are flying!
9. Say something nice
A heartfelt compliment is an easy way to send some flirting-adjacent feel-good vibes at your date. And create some feel-good vibes within you at the same time.
At the start of the date, give them a sincere compliment about something – their outfit, eyes, smile, hair, whatever you notice and are drawn to.
Then, during the course of the conversation, compliment something you admire about them.
Examples (use your own words, of course):
- “Wow, you _____ (ex. taught yourself to play the piano)? That’s amazing!”
- “I love that you _____ (ex. can cook).” An easy semi-flirty follow-up could be, “Maybe you can cook something for me sometime.”
- “I think it’s so sweet/adorable/hot/sexy that you _____ (ex. that you call your mom every Sunday to check in on her).”
- “I love a woman/man that can _____ (ex. bake cookies, change the oil in their car)!”
- “Look at you, all smart and sexy with all the _____ (ex. cooking, or knowing French, or working on a book, etc.).”
10. One word: “Inception”
“You’re really easy to talk to” is a sly way of saying “I’m enjoying this date and enjoying my time with you.” It’s indirect, subtle, gives the other person some “warm and fuzzy” vibes.
Here are a few other kinds of questions and topics you can start to delve into as ways to plant some subtle “you + me = us?” ideas. Like asking “what does your ideal candidate look like” at a job interview.
- What are the important qualities you’re looking for in someone you want to date?
- What are your top love languages?
- Do you have any big relationship deal-breakers?
- Do you believe in “the one”?
- What are your dating goals right now? How are you approaching dating?
These also great questions to learn about someone’s values and dating goals (without having to be blunt and say “So…what are you looking for?”).
Here’s a fun bonus question:
- If there was a zombie apocalypse tomorrow and you and I had to survive together, what unique skills do you have to help keep us alive? How long do you think we’d survive?
It provides a little fantasy role play with plenty of room for flirting and banter as you build a narrative of trying to survive together. And if zombies aren’t quite your cup of tea, you can get stranded on a deserted island together, sail or fly around the world together, or anything your heart desires.
Any time you can laugh during a first date, you’re building good feels and vibes. And that equals… Chem. Issss. Treeee.
Follow through
After a first date, don’t let it go a few days before you even reach out again. Always send a follow-up text thanking them, either the same night or the next morning. Something simple like this works:
“It was really nice to meet you tonight! I’m glad we finally got to meet up.”
And if you want to see them again, tell them! How else are they supposed to know? Fortune favors the bold. So be bold! If you like the person, keep things moving forward! Don’t wait.
But sometimes it’s not super clear whether you even want a second date with the person. In this case, ask yourself:
- Did I have a good time?
- Did I enjoy this person’s company?
- Am I attracted to them?
- Could we be friends, outside of the chemistry and physical attraction?
As long as the answers aren’t hard NO’s, then give a second date a chance. What have you got to lose? Sometimes people can be nervous or shy on a first date, and then open up more on a second date. You never know unless you give them a chance.
What do you think of these do’s and dont’s? Did I miss any of your favorite first date tips? Let me know in the comments below.
*Featured photo by Cottonbro at Pexels.
