If you want a relationship that lasts, work on these ten critical skills to give yourself a better chance at long-term success
Getting into a relationship is pretty easy, relatively speaking. You find someone, you both like each other, and let momentum take the wheel. However, building a successful long-lasting relationship together is where the real challenge comes in. Here are 10 skills every man should know to make him a more mature, emotionally intelligent partner that is well equipped to have a better chance at building a strong, secure, long-lasting relationship…before it’s too late and your dream girl (or person) turns into “the one that got away.”
These 10 skills are also important for women and people of any gender to have. However, these skills are much less common for men to have or be capable of doing in general, and are becoming more and more important for men as gender roles and norms shift and as societal and interpersonal expectations change.
In addition to helping you build a better, stronger relationship with your (romantic) partner, these skills will also help you become a better man, embrace your positive masculinity, and live a happier, healthier life.
*I may use gendered terms and hetero-normative examples to generalize, but the writing and advice here can be applied to all genders and relationships regardless of the parties involved.
This isn’t the “manly man’s man stuff” kind of list you were probably expecting…
Most lists like these, covering skills that all men should have, are pretty basic and cover things such as…changing a tire, tying a tie, growing a beard, chopping down a tree, driving a manual transmission, bench press their own body weight, cooking or grilling a steak, building a log cabin out of a matchbook and a garlic press, or whatever else macho masculine manly men are supposed to be able to do.
Why are these things, often touted as skills for modern masculine men, NOT on my list? Because there is YouTube and cookbooks and all sorts of places to get this kind of information with a quick internet search. Anyone can do it.
And, more importantly…
These basic “man skills” will not set you up for success in life or relationships.
As men, we are capable of much more than this. We should hold ourselves to a higher standard.
Why these 10 skills are so important for men
We all know the basic divorce statistics: roughly half of first-time marriages end in divorce. Divorce is so common that first marriages are often jokingly referred to as “starter marriages” where you make all your mistakes, so you know better the second time around.
- 42-45% of first marriages end in divorce
- 60% of second marriages end in divorce
- 73% of third marriages end in divorce
The lesser known statistics about marriage and divorce are that as recently as 2015 roughly two-thirds of divorces are initiated by the woman (in heterosexual marriages). When the woman is college-educated, that number jumps to an astonishing 90%!
Some of the reasons women initiate divorce include:
- Unequal partnership and having to do more housework and childcare, even when both spouses work full-time
- Having to do more emotional labor to keep the marriage running smoothly
- Women earn their own incomes, can get credit and make large purchases without a man to co-sign (since the 1970s), giving them more options, and are therefore less willing to tolerate bad behavior from their spouse
Without getting too deep into the topic of divorce and reasons people get divorced, I want to educate and equip men with the skills needed to build a successful long-term relationship and partnership, and hopefully avoid a lot of the common mistakes that lead to relationship weakening or ending.
It all comes down to this: Men need to do more than just “provide”
A 2013 Pew Research study found that in 40% of households with children under the age of 18, women were the primary or sole source of income for the family (compared to 11% in 1960). 37% of this group was households where the wife had a higher income than the husband, and the remaining 63% were single-mother households.
Women work. Women are more than capable of bringing home the bacon.
Men need to be more than just a “provider.”
Your boyfriend-material qualifications list needs to be longer than just…“I have a job, and a penis.”
Every man should know how to cook
Every man should know how to cook. Not just a steak. But pasta. And scrambled eggs, bacon, and pancakes. And salmon. And a killer salad. And the perfect pork loin. Or whatever it is that you like to eat.
Can you feed yourself, without having to rely on DoorDash delivery, takeaway, frozen dinners, instant noodle cups, or casseroles from your mom?
If you can cook for yourself, then you can cook for a date, or a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a partner or a spouse, or for kids down the road. And if men can be famous chefs and have cooking shows, you can cook meals for the family at home, too.
If you don’t believe me, just ask any woman how sexy it is when a man knows his way around the kitchen.
Every man should know how to clean up after himself
Every man should know how to vacuum, clean a floor, clean a kitchen, wash dishes, keep a bathroom and toilet and shower clean, and how to wash and fold laundry.
And be willing to keep doing it even if he moves in with a romantic partner (or at least have a conversation about how the household chores should be shared).
If you can’t, or don’t want to, or don’t have time, then be willing to hire a cleaning service. Don’t expect a woman to come pick up after you and take over where your mom left off.
Every man should know how to listen
Every man should know how to be a good listener, listening to understand and be there for someone. Not just listen to provide a solution, or your opinion.
Being a good listener includes being patient, empathetic, curious, and understanding.
If someone has a problem, feel free to ask if they want your opinion, thoughts on a solution, or if they just want you to listen so they can vent for a while.
Lastly, part of listening includes being present. Not multitasking, not letting your mind wander. Actually listening.
Every man should know how to recognize his own feelings
Society and stereotypical masculine ideals paint men as strong, stoic, rejecting or denying pain, and bottling up feelings. This can be advantageous in some situations or professions, but overall it is not healthy for men.
Boys are often not given the same space, the same encouragement to feel, or to express their feelings in a healthy way, compared to girls.
When we aren’t taught how to recognize, or taught that it’s bad or weak or “feminine” to feel the full spectrum of human emotions like hurt, pain, envy, sadness, frustration, joy, inadequacy, or anything else, everything gets bottled up and can sometimes result in outbursts, fights, or explosions of anger, rage, or violence.
This phenomenon is often seen as a natural or traditional masculine trait, but isn’t so much an innate trait so much as it is socialized into boys growing into men by their peers, parents, and society.
The end result of years of hearing things like “suck it up” “be a man” “stop crying like a baby” is suppressing grief and vulnerability, and everything else that comes up.
The thought of acknowledging and feeling emotions is seen as threatening to some men’s sense of identity and masculinity.
This leads to stunted emotional growth, a lack of emotional depth and range, as well as difficulty expressing emotions, being vulnerable, and connecting with others.
All of this has to be unlearned (possibly with the help of a therapist), in pursuit of self-awareness and the ability to recognize and manage your own feelings.
People who have higher EQ (emotional intelligence) are also better equipped to build stronger personal and business relationships, and achieve more success in life and careers.
Every man should know how to be vulnerable
There is much strength and courage in vulnerability, in letting your guard down. Allowing yourself to express and share your imperfections, weaknesses, fears, and feelings, or even shed a tear or cry in front of your partner is healthy and builds trust and connection.
No one is perfect, no one is fearless all the time. Our imperfections and our fears are what make us human.
Being vulnerable and sharing with someone else also fosters good emotional and mental health, helps you regulate your emotions, and builds connection.
So be willing to take off the mask of masculinity, as Lewis Howes puts it, and let your true self come through.
Every man should know how to go to therapy
Sometimes part of being self-aware, emotionally intelligent, and vulnerable, means talking to a professional to work through some of the harder parts of life.
Whether due to societal (ab)norms and stigma, religious indoctrination, or peer pressure, many men feel like therapy is embarrassing or shameful.
And in many of these cases, the women in their lives (sisters, partners, spouses) end up being the only emotional outlet and support that some men have.
Unresolved trauma, issues, and feelings can lead to emotional, physical, and relational breakdowns, not to mention physical ailments and health issues.
Even when you’re not facing a big loss or trauma to work through, therapy is also fantastic for working on underlying issues that may be manifesting as behavior patterns, self-sabotaging behavior, or other blocks keeping you from achieving your potential.
As with being self-aware and vulnerable, being willing to talk to a therapist, being able to ask for help, is a sign of strength and courage and maturity. Working with a therapist can even help build confidence, communication skills, and more.
Every man should know how to communicate well
People often say “communication is key.” But that’s only part of it. It’s like saying “the key to a good painting is paint,” or “the key to good cooking is food.”
Silent treatment, yelling, arguing, blaming, passive-aggressive comments, shaming, guilt-trips, and fighting are all “communication.” But none of that is healthy communication.
What is really important is honest, open, clear communication.
Listening, being self-aware, having good emotional intelligence (EQ), are part of positive, healthy communication.
Not everyone is fortunate enough to be raised in an environment where it’s safe or welcome to speak up, to voice their wants or needs or fears or discontent, to ask for help, to express disagreement. Some people are raised to believe anything like that is a luxury, or is disrespectful, or even selfish. This also has to be unlearned.
There are many crucial building blocks to relationships, such as trust, empathy, care, admiration, and desire. But healthy, positive, honest communication is the foundation, the grease that keeps the wheels turning.
Every man should know how to apologize
We all make mistakes sometimes. Being a man includes being able to stand up and take responsibility and accountability for your actions.
No one is perfect all the time. Taking responsibility shows courage and strength. Avoiding, blaming, and lying shows weakness and cowardice.
What kind of man do you want to be?
Here’s how to apologize properly:
- Say “I’m sorry.” No but’s.
- Own your mistake, and take responsibility for your actions
- Describe your actions to show you understand what you did and what you’re actually apologizing for
- Admit you were wrong
- Explain your plan for changing or not doing the same thing again
- Ask for forgiveness, but know that an apology doesn’t necessarily mean forgiveness will be given
Every man should know how to grow
Growth is about learning, changing, adapting, evolving, getting better, smarter, stronger, and living up to your fullest potential.
Do you have a growth mindset?
Do you have ambition and desire to do “more”?
Or are you content sitting on the couch, never reading a book, satisfied with the status quo, and being the same man at 60 years old, or 50, as you were at 40 or 30 or 20?
Every man should know how to help his partner achieve an orgasm
Sex and orgasms are about pleasure, curiosity, discovery, and play. Not about penis size, pounding, going “for hours,” or crazy Cirque du Soleil positions seen in porn.
(Not so) fun fact: only about 1 in 5 women are able to orgasm from regular penetration alone. What’s more, many women admit (to researchers) to faking orgasms, often in order to protect their partner’s ego.
Here are a few more quick facts and advice on sex and intimacy:
- Sex is about more than just penetration
- Women desire and enjoy sex, but society, religion, and culture has stigmatized female desire and pleasure
- Female pleasure and arousal requires a build-up; it isn’t instant ecstasy and screams of pleasure like portrayed in porn or Hollywood films
- What you think of as “foreplay” is actually just part of sex and intimacy play
- Size doesn’t matter as much as most people think; don’t underestimate the motion of the ocean, and definitely don’t overlook hands and lips and tongue either. Pleasure is the name of the game
- The clitoris is not hard to find
- The clitoris has a “head” (like the tip of the penis) and a hood, and is also comprised of internal erectile tissue under the surface
- Don’t be afraid of toys, or lube, or exploring your own pleasure (including kinks) together
- When in doubt, slow…the f*ck…down (both figuratively and literally)
There’s a lot to be said about the orgasm gap, emotional connection and intimacy, arousal versus desire, the dual control model for sexual desire and arousal, and more. Much much much more.
For more resources on sex and intimacy, I highly recommend these books:
- Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski
- She Comes First by Ian Kerner
Read my article on sex and intimacy tips including keeping things spicy over the long-term.
BONUS: Every man should know how to be a dad (not just babysit his kids)
Not every man will end up having kids and being a father. But if you do, you need to graduate past being a “babysitter” to your kids.
Being a good father requires more than just “creating” them and letting their mom do the rest. Your wife/partner, their mother, needs your help.
Just because you put a roof over their heads and food on the table doesn’t make you a good dad.
Nor does buying presents to make up for never being around or never making it to their games or recitals or school activities.
Be a full participant in their lives and in raising them.
Change their diapers. Give them baths. Talk to them. Teach them. Share your knowledge and stories and insights and fears and hopes and dreams with them. Teach them about being a good human being, teach them to be strong and confident, teach them about sex and relationships and consent.
Be a good role model in life and in your relationship with their mother. Be the parent you had, or wish you had.
What women really want
Women want a partner. An equal partner or at least a partnership where there is a fair give and take, not a lop-sided arrangement that benefits one drastically more than the other.
In fact, one of the most common complaints therapists hear from married female clients is that the husbands aren’t doing enough to step up and help around the house or manage the household.
Even with a more equitable society, a 2019 report by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics found that even in relationships where both partners work, 49% of women do housework on a daily basis compared to 20% of men.
Sometimes women end up asking themselves “what’s in it for me?” when they see the prospect of moving in with or marrying someone that maybe can’t communicate well or doesn’t know how to (or doesn’t think he should have to) take care of himself.
Women don’t want a child to take care of. Women don’t want to be a mother to their husband or partner, or have another child to take care of. They’re not Subway – they don’t want to make you sandwiches every day.
As a man, what can you bring to the table?
Be the best man you can be, and hold your friends accountable too.
*Featured photo by Dziana Hasanbekava at Pexels.
